Saturday, December 16, 2006

dreams of no purpose.


In a dream that serves no purpose...

You're this unsuspecting figure in her deep sleep. There you were, nothing special, nothing wonderful, nothing at all. Yet the one thing that got her crazy about who you were, why you were there was that you were sweet to her in her dreams. You treated her like a lady and you wanted her. Really wanted her for what she was worth and not for granted. She's just being selfish for wanting to be wanted.

The kind of want that could never be reality...

It's not about who you were that really mattered to her. In fact she doesn't even really know who you were and she doesn't even remember what you looked like. To be quite honest, she doesn't even think she ever knew who you really were. You were and now a simple want. It was the way you took her hand and told her exactly why you wanted to be with her that drove her heart to flutter. She's missing the old feelings of romance again.

If the passion lived forever in her mind...

You reminded her of what it is like to like in spontaneous desires. Something that she seems to have lost in the midst of a long term commitment. She wanted to run away in her dreams with that ideal type of passion. Yet as much as she lives by such convictions in her life she knew that you were only just a dream. A dream, if she tried hard enough, could be her reality once more.



It would of been easy to run away...
But it's not in her nature...


I may be going insane...

Friday, December 15, 2006

life with him...



It's hard when you know you can't hide from the truth...

She now knows she could live her whole life with him...
It makes her heart jump...

Monday, November 27, 2006

exact reality


Unrealised realities...

There's so many things that could have gone wrong. There would of been so many ways that it could of begun. There are so many alternate realities that could have the choice to chose from. In a moment, in any time, a wormhole could have opened up and sucked us down into an unrealised reality. But despite the wonders and the battles this is one world that I wouldn't want to leave even with all the differences in between. You are this reality to me.

"This is exactly what I dreamed about."
--- Bad Timing, Season 4, Farscape

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

all the woeful reasons.


All the predicted reasons...

Every emotion that you had known about me is true. I did everything you told me to do. I pushed you, encouraged you, discouraged you, supported you and tried my very best to give you the benefit of the doubt. As I had told you before you wanted me to do all this, it is a bad idea no matter what you may think. I will not be held responsible on how I feel about this because I had told you what would happen if you did not listen to me. You know me well, this is no exception. Knowing how I will react should not be an advantage to you, in fact, it should be a sign as to what you really should of done.

All the honest reasons...

You have your reasons, I don't really know if I want to really know about them. It's because I had no choice that I know what they are now. To be quite honest I really want those reasons to help your case. However, they do not help what I feel. The one thing that I cannot just let past is the fact that you use me against myself. I never asked you to encourage me, so this should not even be taken into any account. It wasn't just once, but twice. This annoys me the most.

All the avoided reasons...

I don't want to be the one to try to push you, encourage you, discourage you, support you and give you the benefit of the doubt if you are not going to take anything I say to heart. I know you try and I know that you want to tell me all the reasons too. I'm not interested. I don't care for them. I've failed you as you have failed me. That's the major down fall of all of this.



"I need you to be strong for me this once."
I want to say that I am trying my hardest.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

look upward.

 
Handsome...

I like you too much...
But it's never enough...

Mwah...


Sunday, November 12, 2006

amazed at it all.


It's amazing how she can still surprise you...

You did all the right things and you got all the right things back. I just want you to know that I wouldn't of done it all without your trust, your care and your affection towards me. Maybe it was just that day that you looked at me just right, or the way you were so flirty with me or maybe it was because I just wanted to give you something special. Just because you deserve it. No promises, no attachments, maybe someday, again...




Saturday, October 28, 2006

exactly it.



She needed exactly what you gave her...
Yes, she's almost forgiven the hurt...
She's not sure if that's what is suppose to happen...

Friday, October 27, 2006

what and why.



What am I doing?
Why am I doing it?

Every time you kiss me I can almost forgive you...


Saturday, October 21, 2006

forever pieces of passion.


Falling into your passionate blue eyes...

There's something in your eyes that entraps her in a way that she never felt before. Was it the passion and desire that seem to burn at every glance or just something that struck out for the few minutes, seconds, that she looked into your eyes. They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, yet she doesn't believe that's what she saw. It was a look of infatuation, of want and just plan and simple, a human reaction. She doesn't really care what it was, what it meant or how it really came about. As she looked down on you, as your breath skipped at every movement, she realised that she had lost herself in your blue eyes, forever.



-----------------


Losing the pieces of her identity once again...

It doesn't surprise her the way she feels at the moment; about life, love, the future and the unfaithful present. The world is beginning to play cruel games on her once more. The truth is this time round, she really doesn't want to have to deal with it, the lazy way out. Maybe if she closed her eyes just a little more tightly she might wake up to a peaceful fantasy. She lives in a life of dreams. She needs this world to give her the time out she should deserve. Frell the world and its insanities.


----------------


The writers block is gone.
Its amazing how feeling depressed and stressed with a hint of romantic passion can drive it all back.
So much to write, so little time.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

the ways of.


The evil ways of self-doubt...

She wonders when time will finally get the better of her. When it eventually makes her boring, reveals that she is stupid crazy in every way, and letting her become a waste of time. I don't ever want to feel that from you. She's afraid that despite a long road of four years you may just turn around all of a sudden, as suddenly as you turned towards her four years ago, and realise all of these self-doubting insanities.

The angry ways of emotions...

She knows lately that she hasn't been all there. She knows that everyone around her is angry at her in one way or another. Which isn't really surprising, I never do anything right by anyone. So who does she finally turn to when even you feel even the slightest anger towards her. A dead end and herself seems to be the likely solution. She's forgotten what its like to find the strength to figure out her own problems.

The tricky ways of the mind...

She likes to convince herself from the truth. Like how she's not entirely dependent on your strength as her own, or how much she will even begin to hurt if you turn to walk the other way, or even how everyone else can see her devotion towards you even when she denies over and over again in her head. I'm afraid to invest so much. Her mind cannot understand her heart.


----------------

I currently have writers block, therefore this entry doesn't really express all the things that I really wanted to say. Disappointing really... Also the reason why I haven't blogged in a while. I miss this place.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

in the moment.


That moment when it started to fade...

She's not sure why it hit her so hard this time. She's handled it before, moved on with dignity even if it did leave a small pocket of sadness in her heart. May be she just had enough, enough of saying no and repeating herself with a frustrated sigh. Maybe this time it was the way you were, angry at her once again. Something that she will never really get use to. She wanted to leave, not caring, she just wanted to get out of such a situation. It's not easy to say the things that will make you sad, so she doesn't want to be the one that says things that will make you upset that she isn't perfect. She wants to be perfect, just for you.

The moment when it was cleared...

When you held her close, listen to her crazy sobs and tried to calm her down, she knew that it would be okay. That everything would be fine. She will not forget the way you pulled her close in amidst her crying, and hugged her so tightly. She physically needed you and you did exactly that. She just didn't want to make you angry or disappointed, she felt like she did.

The moment when it didn't matter...

It wasn't until you pulled her close later that night that she felt that you had stopped feeling any anger, hatred, annoyance towards her. When you pulled her close and whispered in her ear that you didn't mean to upset her that day, she knew that it didn't matter what had happened. No matter what the argument, silly or serious, it won't and can't get in between. More importantly she needed to feel that you weren't holding anything against her. She's glad you whispered in her ear what you did.


------------


You make me happy....

Monday, September 18, 2006

believe this truth.


After four hours...

You made me see reason, stability and once again a content future. I needed that and you gave me exactly what I needed to feel good about life, the potential I had within this silly life and me. I'm glad you dug out what was making me a mess because I don't think I could find anyone else to do it as perfectly as you did. And you wonder how in the world I depend on you despite what you may think.

After four years...

I've grown to realise that after all this time that I have got to know you as a person how selfless you really are towards me. Makes me feel like I need to do more for you, and I hope in the past I have been able to give such passion that you have given me. I wondered how crazy my life was before I ever knew you, and now I can't imagine a life without you making it utterly insane.


-----------

I just want you to know...
No matter if you believe this truth...
You are my pillar of strength...
From the very beginning to the very end...
Mwah...

Sunday, September 17, 2006

deepest convictions.


Without any sighs...

She's feeling... unwell, unrested, unstable. She can't pinpoint it, she can't understand what's making her feel this way, she doesn't know what to do. She wonders if she's just going mad with scenarios, playing stupid little games amongst that pretty head of hers. She's trying to understand, she's trying to learn the difference between reality and the silly and crazy things that she invents. She wants it to just go away, a solution that seems to solve nothing. She can't even distinguish between the horrible lies and peaceful truths. She's a mess.

Unpredicted outbreaks...

It seems she's going backwards. After all this time, she's moved so far away from this kind of situation to only running right into it again. History repeats itself in the most unexpected ways. A few missing pieces and that's all it needs for everything to feel like a threat to her. She is threatened way too easily but she's only trying to protect herself. She's not even sure what she is protecting about herself. All she knows is that this, whatever the exact thing is, makes her doubt.

Convinced changes...

It seems that once again, she needs to become a person who won't be fazed from the words that should mean little and make sure that when history has a second chance she won't fall without a word into such a trap. She will prepare herself without the hatred that existed before, without the self-doubts and without the excuses. She will not be defeated this time.


-----------

Backtrack: Darkest Convictions...

Saturday, September 16, 2006

randomness about her.



She...
  • doesn't feel her age, most of the time feels younger than she really is
  • has finally understood how to tame her hair, most of the time
  • prefers summer to winter for the first two days of summer and the whole of winter
  • adores oversized jackets, but never wears them out
  • becomes random and irrational when she gets too tired
  • would rather work over uni, not because of money but because she loves her job
  • wants to make waitressing a profession... don't ask
  • forgets that she's asian... all the time
  • hates current fashion at anytime
  • could sleep all day without a care
  • has an unquenchable Farscape obsession, that she adores
  • can talk endlessly if the topic and person were right
  • only plans one day at a time
  • over saves on money and always complains that there is never enough money
  • is money hungry
  • never thought about marriage
  • didn't think anyone would want to marry her
  • likes kids, as long as its in small doses and she can give them back
  • has a retarded sense of humor
  • swears without thinking
  • has verbal diaheora, doesn't think before she speaks
  • is stubborn
  • can't stand stubborn people
  • clumsy and a klutz, almost on a daily basis
  • doesn't compliment, doesn't mean she doesn't like it but its not her thing
  • doesn't know what to do or how to react to compliments
  • is mostly positive
  • thinks lilies are the most sophisticated flowers
  • can't spell when she writes in capitals
  • thinks labeling people is funny and an entire waste of time, but she still does it
  • way too easy amused
  • laughs randomly, only to realise that no one else gets it anyway
  • think Irn Bru is soft drink gold
  • cannot find religion helpful to her
  • has a terrible Redskin addiction and keeps a stash
  • adores caramel
  • a true dork at heart
  • thinks too much
  • does not like to be provoked
  • eats about anything and everything at least once
  • is insane about him...
... to be continued ...

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

<3



The moment where it meant the world to me...

4 Years
14th October 2006

You are my wonder...

Monday, September 11, 2006

insanity of plagues.



You make me go through every possible emotion at every glance...
How do you do that to me?
Whatever you do, whatever it is...
I don't care.
I'm insane about you.


"You're like a plague... and I just keep coming back..."

Thursday, September 7, 2006

without any care.



Clearing up all the grey areas...

I would not claim her to be a friend, in fact, I have no reason or want for a friend like her. This is not to say I pick perfect friends because to be quite honest, no one is perfect. But I can pick my friends, and so I can pick whoever I want. Whether the reason suits anyone else. I'm sure somewhere she is a good person to other people, hence why in fact she has friends. I, however, cannot begin to fathom it at all. I have tried, don't get me wrong. Everyone has a fair chance until they are proven wrong. A lot of things she does I cannot agree to. While I do not agree with the lifestyle or personality with all of my friends, they all have one thing that she does not have from me; respect. I respect their choice, I respect what they want in life and in return they actually respect what I have to say to them and what is important in my life.

There is still hatred in the air...

Most people know how I feel about her. So there isn't much to be cleared up on the manner but someone said something the other day that I felt gave the wrong impression. She may not be my friend but I have a lot more respect and dignity to know that starting a grudge is useless, and will put people in awkward situations. The things I'm about to write are not new, everyone who has talked to me on the topic will know this inside out. I was civil to her, because of the certain connection she had. Now I don't have to care anymore because I have talked to that person and they know that what I did was for that person only. I also understand their true feelings for her which were a mystery to me before.

Just so that we are all on the same page...

I am a civil person and I will continue to do so for the sake of me. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not without reason and I rarely lash out unless I feel a need to defend myself. Everyone knows the past and knows how much I was angry and disappointed in the situation and how hard I tried not to get involved. I did in the end because it hit me hard. I cannot forget this even if it is said that it is better to forget all the bad things in the past. Yes, I hold a grudge, one that I will not make public. (I will not make it out the way she made it. I will not turn out like her). It was the first time that I really needed to defend myself from, quite frankly, stupidity on her part.

If I ever care enough to listen...

I wrote this entry not to start anything, I wrote it to clear up where I stood. I have not named the person because to be quite frank, everyone who knows already knows and if you don't know then it shouldn't mean anything to you. I don't care for reactions, I don't care for the nasty words, I don't care for the pleads about how she is so good. Obviously if that is the case you do not see what I see and I hold no grudge to you on what you may see in her. I will continue to act the way I want to. I have not named her because from now on she is just like every other person who I couldn't careless about, therefore she does not need a name. After all this is the last time I will speak about it.


Monday, September 4, 2006

sigh...


If she hasn't found a way...

She doesn't understand what she keeps doing wrong. She doesn't know how to fix it. She's tried so many times, so many different ways, so many more that she has now completely lost for anymore ideas. It seems that no matter what approach she tries they never work out the way it suppose to. She's frustrated in always regretting what she says because in the end it's not only not fixed, its worse. Every time she feels like its all her fault in bringing it up. Yet when she decides that maybe she should just keep it to herself, she gets blamed for being untrustworthy and holding things back. She just doesn't know what to do anymore.

She's done with repeating herself...

She tried to make it easy for everyone to understand. Obviously it didn't go the way she had hoped. It ends up being about angry words, old things that she never wanted to bring back and being spoken to in a tone of voice that she finds degrading. She tries to keep her cool, try not to let her anger be the center of attention because it really isn't suppose to be there anyway. She gets pushed, she gets put into a situation that only she knows how to deal with, she fights back. It's in her nature and in her heart she knows that it is dead wrong. Yet in the end no matter how hard she fights back, how pressured she feels to constantly try and defend herself, she loses. She loses the simplest thing, just an ear to listen without any judgment, without any anger, with love. So is it that unwise that she wonders to herself why she bothered in the first place... again.

Sigh...

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

quotable.



Who'd win if John Crichton and Cameron Mitchell ever got into a fight?

"The simple answer is that Aeryn would dispatch Vala and then rescue John.
Cameron would have the upper hand until Aeryn kicked his a**."

-- Ben Browder

Monday, August 28, 2006

despite it all.





When all seems lost you find a way...

She's glad that you chose her despite it all. It's true, she feels slightly silly. She was worried. She just wanted to make it work, happily. Was that silly at all? You're right, if it was more important you would of left already, if it was of more importance than her then you would of decided long ago that the future was bleak with her. She's glad that you eventually decided on the best for them both. It was important to her that you did, it made her realise that no matter what may happen, you will always continue to surprise her with how much you really want to be with her.

Sometimes you know her too well...

When you told her that you L her. She was afraid of what may happen. She was afraid that she would eventually disappoint you, she was scared that you expected her to say it back, she was most afraid of the fact that she was FILWY too. In the end no matter how hard she tried to avoid it, how much she didn't want to go down that road. She finds herself, 4 years on, almost LY for the rest of her life. When she told you she wasn't sure, you told her that you knew deep down that she did. Why did you have to be so right.


IFILWY...
Despite everything...

Beyond Hope.


She's numb with all the grey truths and lies...

Even as she begins to write this she's not really sure what she is about to write. For once in her life she has no idea what to do to make herself feel better. There are no quick fixes and that frustrates her. Its hard for her to take such truth. Whatever that she does she's not sure how to make it better, how to make it work. But more importantly, how to make it disappear. She's not emotionally made for such situations, she's not ready to make life changing decisions, she's not ready to give up something that was the only thing keeping her together at the worst of times. There's the contradiction, the problem is the one thing that usually keeps her together. So where does she go to now?

She's trying to put all her emotions in check...

No matter what decision she makes there's no happy ending. That's all she really wants... a happy ending... (why is it so hard?) It seems to her that its a lose-lose choice. So does that mean that she has to sacrifice some thing, any thing... Some thing important. Is it worth sacrificing over? She doesn't want to make an irrational choice, a deceiving quick fix or make all the mistakes that she made the last time. She doesn't want it to end the way it did last time. Hoping that it would just go away, the desire just fade away into the wind. Because quite obviously, it hasn't. The regret lies there strong and unwavering and she knows that it won't just go away. She won't be naive about it anymore.

She's confused on how to make it work...

1. She can leave, with a heavy heart, let your life be what ever that you want to make of it. She will become a distant memory, hopefully a good one. She will not even acknowledge the possible friendship that can be formed. A clean break, no attachments. She knows that deep down in her heart that she will never trust another person in case that it falls like this. She knows that there will be no one to hold her when she falls, and that kills her heart more than anything else. Fate may play a part, if it's meant to be then maybe, eventually, it will be. (Maybe they can be just like Aeryn and John.) She's hopeless romantic.

2. She can be your friend. Have conversations with you. A relationship without the kisses, the hugs, the sex. She can be your perfect best friend. But can she handle all the others. Can she handle the embarrassment that she will have to suffer. The foolishness of her choice. She can do it but she knows that its not the way she wants it, its not the way its suppose to be, its not suppose to be anything. She cannot keep her emotions like that, on the line but not saying anything. She feels like she is waiting for you to get over this phase in your life. She will not wait for anybody.

3. She just learns to live with it. Learn to live with your regrets for the rest of her life. Be with you, knowing full well that you aren't 100% ready to be with her. This annoys her, makes her so confused. Because of you, she has let everything go to let you in. She gave up all the things that she held onto so tightly in case of rejection. This certainly feels like rejection to her. She can pretend that it never happened, it was never an issue, live life like a goddamn fool. She can feel that for the rest of the life that she spends with you that she will owe you countlessly. She does not want to feel like she was the only choice you had.

She knows the reassurances that don't count...

So she's just going to find a way because its clear that you don't really want to discuss all the things that worry her. She does not want to make some thing out of nothing and quite clearly this not one of those. She thought not long ago that she was falling in love with you. Now she knows that she cannot be. That's the sad truth.


She feels like leaving it all up to fate...

Beyond Hope...


Monday, August 21, 2006

in your code...


 
IFILWY...

For you handsome...

Thursday, August 17, 2006

just...



I'm going to get a chance to do it all again...
Just for a day...
To be with you...
Last thing at night...
First thing in the morning...
Just with you...

Saturday, August 12, 2006

in your own ways.



I like the way:
  • you call me sexy every time you answer the phone
  • your hugs are always different from the next
  • you do spontaneous exploration at the most inconvenient time
  • you "Mwah"
  • you surprise me with your unpredictable romantic notions
  • you tell me you miss me
  • you understand what I'm saying in the least amount of spoken words
  • you know exactly what I like and don't like
  • you calm me in amidst a storm of anger... most of the time
  • you simply make me feel special
  • you unconditionally believe that I am still beautiful after this long
  • you think the same as me so I don't have to explain it to you
  • you believe that I can do everything that I want to do
  • you believe in me
  • you tell me random things (like the scratching the ear thing)
  • you and I have one day, for a few hours, set aside for each other
  • I can't get to sleep without hearing your voice last thing at night
  • you want to be in every part of my life without hesitation, no matter the circumstance
  • you try so hard not to disappoint me, and you don't
  • you make me laugh until I'm crying out for you to stop making me laugh
  • you think the world should follow the rules of 'Calum Logic'
  • you match my passion, desire, want, need, in every way
  • you love me... quietly... in your own way...

Sunday, August 6, 2006

kiss me in the morning.




I can't wait to spend a night with you...
With no twist, no turns and no secretive gestures...
I can't wait to hear your sleepy breathing before I fall asleep too...
I wouldn't want it to end...
I can't wait to be wrapped in warmth by your arms...
Without a care for the outside world...
I can't wait to wake up with you and just you...
Last thing at night, first thing in the morning...


Kiss me in the morning so I know its not a dream...

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

satisfy tomorrow.


No soft words to tempt me...

Don't bother with complements to make me tingle. It's not needed and you're only wasting valuable time. So instead of words of beauty, just grab hold of me and take me to somewhere extraordinary. Just you and me. Don't bother to whisper about insatiable needs. Take me hand and lead me to them. All I want to hear is your breathing against mine.

No kisses of seduction to romance me...

Don't kiss me softly on the lips to cause my heart to melt. Kiss me with each and every fiber of passion in your body. I want to feel every kiss even after you are gone. Lead me with your kisses to where I want to be, someplace that will satisfy each untamed desire of want. With each kiss I want to sense your effect upon me.



Thursday, July 27, 2006

there must be.


There must be reason that you always reach for my hand at its instance. There must be some logic in why you still hug me with the biggest teddy bear hugs. There must be a soft part in your heart for every time that I anger you because in the end you forgive. There must be romance hidden in your soul for every spontaneous sweetness that you bestow upon me. There must be a reason that you always tell me that I'm everything and more that you have ever wanted. There must be an unquenchable fire every time that we meet. There must be a something that you see in me that I cannot begin to fathom.

For many more reasons I hope you know that I'm still as absolutely crazy for you in the same way.


Monday, July 17, 2006

thank you.



Simply...

Thank you for the surprise picnic, my handsome teddy bear.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

surrender to it all.



Surrendering into your hands...

Feeling wanted at your finger tips.
Heated with passion at every sinful kiss.
Goosebumps of affection at every whisper in my ears.
Stir of desire in the depths of your intense blue eyes.
It didn't matter who was around,
I felt like yours no matter what.

That's all I want...



Thursday, July 13, 2006

beyond hope.




Beyond Hope...

Friday, 14th July, 2006
45 Months of Romance

Sunday, July 9, 2006

just with you.


When reality no longer exists...

For two days all the things that matter in her life as top priority seemed to blend away in the distance. There was nothing that mattered more or was more relevant than what surrounded them for two days. It was just about them, it was in every kiss, in every hug and in every movement to be closer to each other. For once in the past few months she stopped worrying about the things that drained the life out of her, she stopped stressing about the life she is in. Her whole focus shifted onto the happiness that was them... onto him...

When words do not mean enough...

As she fell asleep in his arms last night and heard the unique rhythmic breathing that only belongs to him, she felt safer from the world's crazy ways, the nightmare ways and the things that forever chase her. It wasn't because of the words that he could say but of the way he hugged her close and didn't want to let her go. She wouldn't of wanted it any other way, but with him, in his arms, knowing he would be right next to her in the morning...


-----------

I would do it all again...
Even just for a day...
To be with you...
First thing in the morning...
Last thing at night...
Just with you...

Thursday, July 6, 2006

just you in the morning.



I can't wait for you to be the first thing I see in the morning...


Wednesday, July 5, 2006

show me once again.


All that I ask...

Kiss me at every instant so I know that you desire me.
Hug me with every ounce of strength so I know that you are still my teddy bear.
Touch me with heart and soul so I feel wanted by you.
Look at me with passion so that I know you feel the same way too.

In one last chance...

Sunday, July 2, 2006

into your eyes.



You know what scares me?
From the first moment that I laid eyes on you, I could never see the end.

What scares me is that I always could...

- Farscape, "Bad Timing", Season 4, Episode 22

Friday, June 30, 2006

spicy spontaneous moments.




She's feeling:
  • a little down
  • tired for no apparent reason
  • cranky at the stupidity of people
  • unhappy because people don't understand her
  • disappointed
  • extremely bored
  • unsociable, even when she wants to be
  • confused, not really knowing what she wants
  • under appreciated
She wants:
  • money (who doesn't)
  • comfort
  • stability with all it's spicy spontaneous moments
  • whatever she wants without the questions
  • to be trusted
  • freedom
  • independence
  • appreciated
  • fulfillment of goals
  • to do something fun with friends
  • to feel beautiful

Monday, June 26, 2006

intensity of him.


The shadows of light...

It's amazing what the darkness does. It hides all the insecurities, it blends into every wall and traps the heat of passion without a second thought. It becomes more tempting and inviting then it can ever be. With every kiss there is a sigh of utter desire. Even in the dark, no expression could begin to fathom it's emotion. It's unbelievable what a little missing light can do.

The shine within the darkness...

Despite the tangled limbs that stretch beneath the fall of sheets, there's something uncomplicated about the cover of darkness. Each move satisfies each undeniable want, each kiss drives insanity into each movement. It's easy to see how a streak of darkness can turn something so controlled into a random grab of want.

The spark through the black...

In the touch of darkness there is no barriers of logic. Everything becomes a haze, the air becomes thinner and the heart races with every anticipation of need. Its moments like this that she knows that there's nothing that could match the intensity of him.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

like stardust.



"You have sexy eyes..."
She felt her heart skip a beat at his words...

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

&& I want you too.


If it really means that much...

In just one kiss she realises that it will all be alright. The past day has pulled every possible emotion in her to pieces, its driven to the edge of the cliff to the bottom of the salty waters. She had almost gotten to a stage where she thought that she was going crazy, her thoughts couldn't even begin at the start to find a possible ever after. Yet in one kiss she knows that after all this it will be all okay.

... we will work in out.


 

Sunday, June 11, 2006

despite its worth.


Despite it all...
Miss me.
Want me.
Need me.
Kiss me.
Hug me.
Have me.
Hate me.
Love me.
For what its worth...
For all you care...

Saturday, June 10, 2006

tears that will end.


It always begins with a sentence...

Each time she begins the subject it ends with a game of stubbornness and strong-wills. She falls into a circle where she does nothing but go round and round. It's frustrating, annoying and completely does nothing to help anything. Once, it was the answer, it made a difference and it solved everything that every got in between. So has all things that she thought would never change, changed...

The tears that will end...

There's no more crying on her part, and she will never self doubt herself in the ways that she has falsely done in the past. This is where she ends with all the things that annoy you, that drives you insane, that causes so much heartache and tears every time it happens. Its been too often, completely and utterly spiraled out of hand. She will solve it herself, deal with every emotion without you and your questioning. She will do the things that make her happy, she doesn't need you for that.

It will end with a smile on her face...

Whatever the outcome she will know that she did it for herself, for her sanity and definitely for her happiness. She does not want to fall into the same cycle where she is dependent on you that she cannot even save herself. You will never have to solve another problem again even if you are to blame. This the solution to the question that you are forever asking...


-----------------

Inspired by; A conversation with Marnie...
(Thank you for listening... even with your own situation...)

Monday, May 29, 2006

within every impression.


In every word, in every sentence...

I just realise that I contradict a lot of the things that I write in here...
One moment I'm on a high, the next on a low about the same thing...
Does anyone else get that impression?
I've decided that I might try a different writing approach...
If I have the guts...

Life will always be erratic with him...

viciously warm liqueur



In the cool air with warm liqueur...

She could of just left him there, in the dark, in the cold to freeze. Let his heart freeze over with hatred, anguish and the unrealistic realization that she is just like every other girl... demanding and hopeless. Once, she wouldn't of cared, she would of let him sit there for all she cared because she didn't need a life with his unattractive ways. She didn't want to be the one to give in first at every sign of trouble, she shouldn't need to either. Right now, right here in this time, she has learned to changed... unfortunately.

Beneath the dark sky and light heads...

She feels somewhat cheated every time that she gives in. Like she loses the battle even when she shouldn't have. But she knows that deep down that there is no other way, someone, in the end always gives in, it just happens to be her. Despite it all, nothing ever gets resolved, in fact she walks away with a heavy heart knowing that when he says its solved its solved. She's learning this fact too well. She's realising that things can change with time, no matter what they are.

With heartfelt words and vicious truths...

In the end, she kisses him, hugs him, gives him every benefit of the doubt. Every time. This time will be the last. Despite herself promising that for so long, she will not be played for a fool or be so easily controlled. There is no next time for her anymore. She's not sure what she will do, all she knows is that she will never be the first to fall, it hasn't worked for her to begin with. She will not give up so easily anymore to keep the peace, peace will have to learn to come to her.

She is not every other girl... neither demanding or hopeless.
She is herself in every way... whether you can accept that or not.



---------------------

She understands that she makes life difficult for you on occasions. She never use to, she knows. But back then things were different, she was more wanted, needed, less complicated. She will not turn out like every other girlfriend, she refuses to turn out like every other girlfriend, she has always said that, so she will not say anymore the things that she has said. Just don't expect her to treat you different from the way she feels you have treated her. She doesn't need the public hugs or kisses or affection, in fact you know that she shies away from those things because she finds it rude and uncomfortable for those around. Acknowledgement does not include these public displays, it just simply means that she will no longer tolerate being noticed when you want to notice her.

Monday, May 15, 2006

in-between her fears.


The thin line between tears and happiness...

She's a little overwhelmed, a little lost and in a little bit of a haze. She still trying to fully understand where she stands, where he stands and them in utter general. It's not a bad thing, it's not a tragic thing and definitely not a mistake. In her heart, in her soul, she didn't expect herself to feel the way she does now. She feels like she should run a mile yet at the same time not move, suspend time, savor the moment. It confuses her to a point that she doesn't know who she is anymore.

He knows the truth between her fears...


--------------

Sunday, 14th May, 2005
43rd Month Anniversary...


Friday, May 5, 2006

for the rest of my life.


Your selflessness for me...

I can't believe all the things, the lengths that you would go for just for me. While I've always known, always believed it I never wanted to fall into it because I didn't want to fool myself blind. Yet right now, right at this moment, I cannot find anything that would question it at all. I couldn't find anyone better to care about me, to look after me (for the rest of my life...). I wonder some times how I could ever repay you in the same way, whether you feel the same way about me, whether I can be just as selfless about you as you have for me. I hope I can and will... for you (for the rest of my life...).

Your power over me...

The way you kept me in control of the situation, made sure that every time that I was about to fall apart you stood there, two feet firmly on the ground, a voice of command, and pulled me back into a possible reality, the real reality, the one that seemed clouded by my misjudgements. I felt so much safer with you there, by my side, stopping me from crying my heart out when I felt the world was completely against me. You never once critical of me, you just pulled me up and kept positive on everything that I could. I will never doubt anything that you say cannot be done.

Your pillar of strength with me...

I don't know how to ever repay you really, (I guess I may have the rest of my life for that). But I want you to seriously know, how grateful that I am that I have you, that I would never doubt things so harshly that I have in the past. How willing you are to make me so happy, how you keep me from falling apart, how you and only you made me see the positive amongst the negative, all these things keep me alive. And after all of this I wonder why I'm so afraid for completely and utterly falling in love with you, even when you do all this for me.

I wish that I wasn't so afraid to love you for everything that your worth.
When I do it will be for the rest of my life...



----------------

This is an important entry for me...
It's first time I've actually formally used 'love' and 'him' in the same sentence... let alone a public one.
(I know its been three and half years but I didn't want to fool myself into a trap so placed by everyone else.)
It's also the first time that I've allowed myself to think of a future that may become reality with him...
It still scares me... but a little less now...

Friday, April 21, 2006

she couldn't care less.


And the world frells her over again...

She tries to care about everyone, give everyone a honest chance, a second chance. She tries to understand everyone's problems equally, unbiased and gives her honest advice when she believes it is needed. She defends herself when she is attacked, even if it wasn't intentional. She gets upset too, she gets angry, she needs to be understood, she needs to be heard. Yet no one thinks of her... no one...

So why should she care about the rest of the world...

Take time out to listen to her. Just like you she doesn't like to be ignored, treat her like she treats you at least. Do you even care about her to find out, to even bother to acknowledge anything that is wrong with her. You're too worried about having fun, her not trying to ruin your night. Is she asking too much again. In fact why does she bother to even ask for frelling anything.

Let the world frell her over... she couldn't care less anymore...


Saturday, April 15, 2006

unbelievably happy.


No heartbreaks and no heartaches...

There are some things that she doesn't think her heart can take. Such as the disappointment of rejection after putting her heart on the line for someone. In the end she would just eventually give up, give up on guys and not finding the right one to be with for the rest of her life. But with him there aren't any worries, there aren't any nervous actions that might make her think that he might not like her the way she is. Sometimes she wonders that maybe she's the one that might disappoint him.

Always kiss and always hugs...

She'll always know that he will be there for her as her pillar of strength. She knows that every kiss will always make her heart grow fonder for him. Every hug will enclose her with strength and safety. She doesn't worry about trying to impress him to like her, she does it for him because she feels beautiful. She hopes that the things that he does for her he does without being forced to and because it's what he wants. Some how, she knows that he does things for her because he's grateful to be with her, like her with him.

I could live with this feeling forever with you...

Some times she wonders how she ever got so lucky, how some strange higher power manage to put some extra sparkle on her to attract him to her. She finds it hard that he still finds her beautiful, wonderful, interesting after so many years, months, days and hours. She's just glad, and undeniably happy that she is with him and he is with her because he wants to.


--------------


Three and a half year anniversary...
Unbelievably happy...
:oD



Thursday, April 13, 2006

like a goddess


Simple things will always make her smile...

It doesn't take expensive gifts, it doesn't take flowers of great proportions, it doesn't even take a grand gesture of any kind. It's not hard to make her smile, it's not difficult to keep her happy and its definitely not complicated to make her feel like a goddess. So why bother telling her that you're trying, why bother apologising for something that doesn't take a genius to figure out. After all she's not high maintenance otherwise you wouldn't want her anyway.

Beautiful things will make her shine with happiness...

She understands more than you may think she does. Sometimes you've just got to give her a little bit more credit. She tries to give you whatever that you need; support, strength, honesty, care, pressure. Maybe she's just not giving you enough of anything to make it work for you. She tries so hard to make it right for you, for her, for both. Sometimes it's just harder than she imagined.

Heart-felt words will always touch her heart...

Don't read so deep into her thoughts, look at her and say the things that float in your head the moment you really see her. While she knows to expect things that will sweep her off her feet every time she sees you, she just wants to feel special again. It just seems like a long time since that's happened...




-------------------

Feeling; Simply sad...


 

Monday, April 10, 2006

unpicking such betrayal


The unspoken words that hurt more...

It's one thing to have a stranger bad mouth her in front of people that she cares about. In fact it doesn't worry her, because if her friends knew her the way she is then it doesn't affect the friendships or the relationships that she has. She doesn't do things irrationally, in fact they are well thought out, well planned. However, if anyone, no matter how close they think they are or really are with her, offends her, be prepared... she will not let it go lightly. The truth is, it's something new to her, standing up for herself, not backing down, not letting people, young, old, small or tall say things that are not true.

Respect does not go one way...

She knows she isn't a rude person without reason and in fact she keeps almost all her private life between her and the people that are involved. That's respect. Just because someone is older or younger does not mean that they should be treated any differently or have a higher function of rudeness to perform on lesser beings. If she was asked politely, treated with care then she would have gladly made that person happy. This was not the case...

Friendship betrayal stabs deeper...

I don't care what she says about me, in fact she has me pinned down as the complete opposite of who I really am. I don't need just my friends to back me but everyone that I have ever known. In fact it's what you didn't say, that made me wonder if it was worth caring about the things that I do. You don't defend me, in fact you don't defend any of us, and I know that everyone felt the same, betrayed. While it may seem that I am angry, I am just sorely disappointed. No matter who they were I would of defended you, in fact I have countless times to anyone who dare spoke a word dishonestly about you.

Pick better friends...
Doesn't that mean friends who don't betray one another and defend one another?



---------------

Realisation; Friday Night...
The things that I would do for friendship that others would not do in return...
How do you explain that?

Saturday, April 8, 2006

her secret




Kiss her lips first...
Always...


-------------

Sorry... not really inspired tonight...

Wednesday, April 5, 2006

the way he is.





The inevitable way things are meant to be...

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