old romance with a dash of new fireworks.

Old fashioned light touches on her hips...

It's been such a long time since those days of nervous hugs and timid kisses. The hugs that seemed so new fitting together so effortlessly. Those touches so light and seem to explore all those untested paths. These days are now filled with certainty and unabashed affections. Sometimes the little things are forgotten along with the amount of time that seems to pass by. Sometimes new paths of uncharted territories need to be set. Sometimes its nice to just have the old romance rekindled more than for a little while. It reminds her of that summer that you taught her so much and of all the things that you learnt about her. Those emotions of whether forever is even possible and that it didn't really matter if there was a forever, just as long as there was a now because all time stood so still.

Fresh new fireworks igniting her heart...

When you reach for her it makes her feel so light hearted because it means that she is on your mind. When you place you hands so tightly on her hips it reminds her of your presence and if she leans back just a little she can feel the heat of your body against hers. When you kiss her with your eyes closed so tightly it reminds her that the only thing that you want in that one moment and only in that moment is the touch of your lips against hers. So when you put all of that together it makes her feel like those old times again, where there wasn't a second thought, that you couldn't get enough of all of it and she wouldn't believe that there was anything remotely relative to that feeling. The truth is, there really isn't after all of these years. She doesn't believe that there will ever be anything that will consume her as much as your touch.

Mix her a romance of old and new to make her melt...

Don't forget its always the smallest things that make her day, that cause her to swoon and to be reminded that after all these years you are grateful for the way things fit so well together with her. Otherwise she may forget that you are grateful, that you are happy and that you are indeed not just taking her for granted. Grab her hand when she's not looking, hug her tightly refusing to let go, kiss her when she least expects it and tell her why she's right for that forever you keep dreaming about. Some day she may forget how much you want her, how much you may adore her and how much you actually do need her if you forget to romance her in those little ways. But when you do, you make her melt, you make her smile sweeter and you most definitely remind her that beyond everything, after all these years, you are hers.

the thin line between wishing and wanting.

Where missing someone doesn't seem to mean enough...

There's a million things that she misses about having you so close. Some of them seem stupid, some of them quite valid and others are just bordering obsessive. She misses the way that you look at her, the way that you make plans for the two of them and calling whenever she wants to hear the sound of your voice. All those things are important to her and its hard to just deal with it all disappearing. Yet she always knew that it was going to be hard, she knew from the get go that it was never going to be perfect and that it was going to be a horrible way to communicate. But you insisted it would be fine and you promised it would work out. She believed you, maybe because she wanted to, but she's starting to feel like it's not going to be okay, and nothing is going to be fine about it.

Where wishing one thing and wanting another is a thin line...

She's at place where she knows that she can't win. She knows that what you want is important, in fact one of the most important things in your life and she would never want to stop you from doing anything that would jeopardize that. The truth is that she is supportive of you because it is the way she is and she knows how much you really want this dream of yours. She sometimes forgets the sacrifice that she has to face. But lately it seems that the sacrifices are bigger than the rewards. Some days she understands the score, its the other days that she realises that she doesn't want to do things this way and she never really wants it to be this way. She feels so selfish every time, but she's not threatening you or demanding that you choose one option or another, she just knows what she knew right from the beginning, there is nothing she can do that will mean she gets what she wants.

Waiting for that something extraordinary to happen...

The romantic hidden away in her wants the something extraordinary to show that all this and more is worth it. The truth is right now she can't see the happy ending that you keep insisting on. She needs something more solid, more tangible, to truly even be convinced that it will work out in the end. Some times it feels like she's trying so hard, but not exactly sure what for because you never tell her anything except that it will be fine. That's not enough, not if you really want this to work the way that you want it to be. She's tired of relying on hope despite the fact that it's one of the things that she lives with. For now she'll keep trying, and keep being as supportive as she can but she doesn't know how long she can continue to do it until it becomes a thin line of regret.

disappearing each mysterious glimmer.

Decaying of a glimmer of hope...

There are a lot of things that never really worry her. Most of the time its due to the fact that there is always a glimmer of hope that gets her by. Her confidence in being able to make things go well also contributes. But what happens when she is faced with the fact that she can no longer see that glimmer of hope or have the confidence to sort out all the problems from the solutions. She's at a point in her life where she didn't really think she would have to be. Whilst she has always prided herself on it, for some reason, this is not the same, this is something entirely different. That in itself makes it so much more difficult to even comprehend. So far she hasn't been able to understand what it is that makes her feel so bland, and what it is that use to make her feel so much more excited about the things in her life. Some times, she wonders, if she has tried just too hard.

Disappearance of each desire...

At this point in time maybe it is her own personal problem and that the only person to blame is herself. That something in her life isn't working out the way that she wants it to be or the way she wants to feel. The feeling, the emotion and the want of it all seems to have changed without much warning. Yet as she thinks about it all, she still wants the same things, she still desires the same things and she still wants the passion that can be bestowed on her, so no, she has not changed so much that none of these core important things in her life is so different from what it is she wants now. So maybe, it isn't just her problem at all. But she's just not that ready to start blaming it on others just yet because she knows if she does that it's not just a feeling anymore, its reality.

Death of each new mystery...

The bottom line is that she misses things that she didn't even think that she would see  just slowly disappear into nothing. Yet at the same time she feels like its been a long time coming because nothing ever lasts as long as she expects them too. It's not like she doesn't say the things that she wants, or expresses her opinions on what she likes or makes a mystery out of it. So why is it so hard, why does it have to be so hard when it is simplified, repeated and argued about over and over again. She doesn't want comfortable or boring, she wants spontaneity and passion. Not a new concept from her at all. The lack of actions, the more of silenced words and the non-existent attempts are a list longer that she ever wished for herself. So how much longer will it take before she decides that some things just aren't meant to be simply comfortable and habitual and nothing else.

sprinkle a little surprise this way.

Honestly, just not that interested...

Lately she's being more selective and more in sync with the people that are important to her. Maybe it's taken her this long but at least now she understands the important things a little better than she did before. She's able to filter out the things that were never really that worthwhile to keep and remember to hold on a little tighter to the things that make her less worried and less stressed about life in general. She's learned some lessons that weren't fun to learn, but in the end it seems that really mattered come out alright in the end and all that didn't just got thrown away. And she doesn't regret it one single bit.

Seriously, where has all the fun gone...

Keeping the interesting factor is becoming a little more difficult each time. She's done all the spontaneous things and all the surprises. Soon enough she's either going to run out of ideas, or she's not going to bother anymore. So maybe, somewhere down the track sprinkling a little surprise this way would be quite nice and would be just something that she didn't have to plan. She's getting a little bored and a little frustrated. Those two things are never good for her because sooner or later she's going to chuck a useless little tantrum for no particular reason without any remorse. Honestly, anything will do.

exception to the rule.

Being the hopeless romantic...

She's too much of a hopeless romantic, and she's a bad one too. She's not too sure how she turned out like that, all lovey dovey and spontaneous is all things love. But she loves it for the thrill and for that warm feeling inside. And truthfully probably for that modern day happily ever after too. Being in this state of mind for her is not always easy. There are too many things that can easily cause her to be disappointed and frustrated, the lack of trying or even just the lack of gestures. She can't seem to help herself into it because being that hopeless romantic only means that you always hope for the best, whether or not it will ever change.

Being the exception and not the rule...

There's always those stories that end without much reality. She wants to be selfish and wants to be one of those. But she's not fooled into thinking that it will present itself without much warning and do as her dreams tell her to do. She doesn't want to fall into old traps and unmistakable lies. She doesn't want to be the old traditions of a significant other or just that girl. She wants him to make her feel like the reality can be unbelievable. And that it is unbelievable, not because of big grand gestures or huge romantic offerings, but because he makes her his exception to every other girl. She simply wants to be his exception and not his rule.

for the words that don't always fit.

The reasons that may not seem obvious to you...
 

She's tired of some of the childishness that goes on. The over bearing sick, sad, sweet proclamations that no one really needs to know or that don't really put any justice on anything at all. If it needs such proof then really are you just convincing yourself than it actually being realistic. Some things she doesn't agree on but it doesn't really get to her, its the really stupid teenage crap that gets on her nerves. She's too old to be playing games, too mature to care what goes on behind your closed doors and just plain and simply not interested. Proof is not in words that one may write but in the actions that cannot be explained because how extraordinary the actions are to yourself and only you.

The things you pretend to care about...

If its all about caring about what others want and what others feel then stop contradicting yourself and take one hard look at what you doing. Don't say that you are trying to do this and that when only in the end all your actions turn round and do not even justify what's coming out of your mouth. She's been here longer, she's been through a lot more, and this is no different than before and therefore it makes you no different from all those that were in the same spot in the past. Wonder why those who are unhappy about it all are unhappy. Maybe its the unhappiness of certain situations and the loss of a strong friendship.So before you say things and assume you know why, think again.

The parts of that will not be her problem...
 

In the end its not really her problem, she's just sad and upset that one of the things that were most important to someone she wants to protect is compromised. She knows that deep down inside that it would not be discussed because its not in their nature and eventually it will just fade away into nothing, and that's what makes it worse. She doesn't care about the things you think she cares about, in fact she's seen a lot of these things come and go and she knows that the real test is later on down the track, because every year it becomes more challenging and not everyone makes it, something not even the strongest of people can get past. So choose your words wisely about the people that care for who you care about because you may be destroying things that are important in someone else's life deliberately. She doesn't care about the overall picture and if that makes her less of a friend than so be it, but she does care about some of the friendships you can categorie however you think you wish. Every friendship has a mark of its own, its not up to you to choose which one deserves which mark.

for all of these reasons.

I am more independent than I anticipated…
I am becoming more truthful which has its upsides and downsides…
I am making university more a part of my life then my feeble attempt in the past…
I am ready to move on because it’s about time…
I am understanding myself in a more mature manner…
I am ready to grow up, but not too fast…
I am loving with an open heart because of him…
I am not wild, crazy or delirious nor do I really want to be…
I am honest and stable…
I am still as stubborn as ever but I don’t regret it…
I am grateful for my best friends and I want them to know…
I am appreciating design in a new light…
I am ready for his dreams because soon it will be mine as well…
I am glad that I have found that special someone now instead of hoping and dreaming about him…
I am more aware of my likes and dislikes instead of the grey areas…
I am enjoying having time to myself and will continue to make time for me…
I am more certain of myself and the decisions that I make in the future…
I am determined to stop the silly games that I play on myself and others…
I am not fooled by hopeless plans and unrealistic dreams…
I am thinking and doing things for the present and this will not change…
I am more aware of those who are my friends and not those who are friends of friends.
I am not going to succumb to my own emotional foolishness…
I am a risk taker, as long as it’s calculated…
I am his as much as he is mine, without doubt and without worry, after all these years…
I am liking myself more for all of these reasons...

wanted.

Wanted

New people for friendship.

Non-smokers.
No dramas.
No complications.
Honest.
Trustworthy.
Include me.
Appreciate what I have to offer.
Interested in knowing me as I am interested in knowing you.
Can put up with Calum as well.


Because,
I'm in the mood.
I'm fed up.
I've had enough.
I'm over it.

falling from that optimistic high.

Yesterday's wishes and unspoken promises...


She was optimistic and self-assured that it would end alright. Its a funny concept to her but somehow along the way she realised that maybe he was right, in his strange logic. She feels in control, full of action and so high on life that she doesn't really remember when she was like that last. Her usual optimistic self was there keeping her brave and keeping her smiling. Some thing she had missed in quite a long time. It never occurred to her that she might be happily content in the way she is now despite the feelings that she had before. She thought she would be worse off or even just going along with whatever life seemed to throw at her feet. The hardest thing was that she felt she was in it without much support from that one person.


Today's downfalls and falling emotions...


She was fine, she was brave, she was doing oh-so well, until all the questions became a little overwhelming. She's still a little bitter, deep deep down inside. She's still a little angry, but not so much anymore. She's a little annoyed, because things don't seem to be moving that much more forward. So is it a shock that sometimes she sounds that little bit bitter, or that tiny bit annoyed? It's much easier today to shrug it off then to explain things that no one seems to understand. Today all the realizations that she never really faced were there eyeing her, asking her the questions and just testing her patience. Some of those realizations were ones that she never really even considered until now. Today is not one of those self-assured, optimistic days.


Tomorrow's empty words and impossible predictions...


There are so many things that she wants. Her wants are different now. She wants it all to work out, no matter how hard it is, no matter what it takes, just not how long it takes. She's become a person that she would not have had a chance to be without this challenge. She hates to admit that some times this makes her content because before it she was not feeling wanted enough. Somehow she feels more important now and her contributions and her, in general, make that difference than it did before. So she wonders, if it were all to go back the way that it was, will this feeling of wanting her, loving her, appreciating her phase out? She hopes and it worries her because she doesn't want to fall into the same optimistic trap.