Just Hold On a Little Longer.

She misses her handsome...

Not because he is far away, not because he has run away but because she had to make some sacrifices for the short-term that made her turn away. She didn't want to do it because some times he is the only one that actually makes it seem alright in the end, and it just seems so unfair, for her and him. So she wishes that the next three weeks will pass quickly and will not cause anymore damage to her self-esteem.

She misses her sanity...

It went away with him when she says no to ever visit, a shake of head for every act of kindness and a decline to his sweet offerings. She use to be able to section it off, the stupid things that never make her happy and him, who makes her forget that those things are not important. But this time round she doesn't seem to know how to make it work again.

She misses her life...

If this is what her life is suppose to be, if this is what it is to taste the industry, it isn't really what she had in mind for the rest of her life. Yet, there is something there, hidden deep inside that does grab her attention, makes her smile sometimes, but why will it never show its face? She misses remembering to breathe fresh air, sleep in without guilt, and go on dessert dates without worrying about the hours she is using up. Life shouldn't be like that.

These are the sacrifices...

Only for a little bit longer...

Just hold on for me...

the thin line between wishing and wanting.

Where missing someone doesn't seem to mean enough...

There's a million things that she misses about having you so close. Some of them seem stupid, some of them quite valid and others are just bordering obsessive. She misses the way that you look at her, the way that you make plans for the two of them and calling whenever she wants to hear the sound of your voice. All those things are important to her and its hard to just deal with it all disappearing. Yet she always knew that it was going to be hard, she knew from the get go that it was never going to be perfect and that it was going to be a horrible way to communicate. But you insisted it would be fine and you promised it would work out. She believed you, maybe because she wanted to, but she's starting to feel like it's not going to be okay, and nothing is going to be fine about it.

Where wishing one thing and wanting another is a thin line...

She's at place where she knows that she can't win. She knows that what you want is important, in fact one of the most important things in your life and she would never want to stop you from doing anything that would jeopardize that. The truth is that she is supportive of you because it is the way she is and she knows how much you really want this dream of yours. She sometimes forgets the sacrifice that she has to face. But lately it seems that the sacrifices are bigger than the rewards. Some days she understands the score, its the other days that she realises that she doesn't want to do things this way and she never really wants it to be this way. She feels so selfish every time, but she's not threatening you or demanding that you choose one option or another, she just knows what she knew right from the beginning, there is nothing she can do that will mean she gets what she wants.

Waiting for that something extraordinary to happen...

The romantic hidden away in her wants the something extraordinary to show that all this and more is worth it. The truth is right now she can't see the happy ending that you keep insisting on. She needs something more solid, more tangible, to truly even be convinced that it will work out in the end. Some times it feels like she's trying so hard, but not exactly sure what for because you never tell her anything except that it will be fine. That's not enough, not if you really want this to work the way that you want it to be. She's tired of relying on hope despite the fact that it's one of the things that she lives with. For now she'll keep trying, and keep being as supportive as she can but she doesn't know how long she can continue to do it until it becomes a thin line of regret.

threatening shadows.

Laying awake staring into the dark...

There are a million and one things that keep repeating themselves in her head. They all disappoint her, sadden her and just completely and utterly make her usual optimistic views down right dark and pessimistic. She can't seem to shake it away, can't seem to brush it away, can't seem to talk it away because there is nothing that seems to make it all just go away. She hasn't got much hope left that it will just vanish from her thoughts because for once reality wins over her fantasies and hopes. She needs to feel better and she doesn't even know where to begin anymore, or whether or not it matters.

The murky line of non-existence...

In all the things that she has said before it seems that nothing really changes, nothing really heals and everything just seems to stay the same miserable way. Not once has she felt she has been given the credit for being brave, for being strong or for just even keeping her damn big mouth shout. No recognition, no idea, and absolutely no clue that she has tried so hard and been on her very best behavior. Whilst she's not digging for compliments, or looking for that big reward she is waiting for you to figure out that she is trying desperately to be patient and that it has now lost its way. She's only got so much to give and she have given it all away without anything in return.

All the shadows that will follow her around...

She keeps saying over and over again of all the things that she would like from you. They are not hard, they are not demanding but for some reason you seem to never get it. And even when you do its only for a short amount of time and then once again she is right here. It can't keep being this hard because in the immediate future it will never work like this, it will never survive the way you seems to think it will. Right now, she knows where she stands with you, no where to be seen. The list of priorities that are so important to you seem to include her but disregarded time and time again. The one thing that makes her so sad above all else is that you have not once expressed that you regret or care that you will leave me behind.