Friday, April 17, 2009

disappearing each mysterious glimmer.

Decaying of a glimmer of hope...

There are a lot of things that never really worry her. Most of the time its due to the fact that there is always a glimmer of hope that gets her by. Her confidence in being able to make things go well also contributes. But what happens when she is faced with the fact that she can no longer see that glimmer of hope or have the confidence to sort out all the problems from the solutions. She's at a point in her life where she didn't really think she would have to be. Whilst she has always prided herself on it, for some reason, this is not the same, this is something entirely different. That in itself makes it so much more difficult to even comprehend. So far she hasn't been able to understand what it is that makes her feel so bland, and what it is that use to make her feel so much more excited about the things in her life. Some times, she wonders, if she has tried just too hard.

Disappearance of each desire...

At this point in time maybe it is her own personal problem and that the only person to blame is herself. That something in her life isn't working out the way that she wants it to be or the way she wants to feel. The feeling, the emotion and the want of it all seems to have changed without much warning. Yet as she thinks about it all, she still wants the same things, she still desires the same things and she still wants the passion that can be bestowed on her, so no, she has not changed so much that none of these core important things in her life is so different from what it is she wants now. So maybe, it isn't just her problem at all. But she's just not that ready to start blaming it on others just yet because she knows if she does that it's not just a feeling anymore, its reality.

Death of each new mystery...

The bottom line is that she misses things that she didn't even think that she would see  just slowly disappear into nothing. Yet at the same time she feels like its been a long time coming because nothing ever lasts as long as she expects them too. It's not like she doesn't say the things that she wants, or expresses her opinions on what she likes or makes a mystery out of it. So why is it so hard, why does it have to be so hard when it is simplified, repeated and argued about over and over again. She doesn't want comfortable or boring, she wants spontaneity and passion. Not a new concept from her at all. The lack of actions, the more of silenced words and the non-existent attempts are a list longer that she ever wished for herself. So how much longer will it take before she decides that some things just aren't meant to be simply comfortable and habitual and nothing else.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

sprinkle a little surprise this way.

Honestly, just not that interested...

Lately she's being more selective and more in sync with the people that are important to her. Maybe it's taken her this long but at least now she understands the important things a little better than she did before. She's able to filter out the things that were never really that worthwhile to keep and remember to hold on a little tighter to the things that make her less worried and less stressed about life in general. She's learned some lessons that weren't fun to learn, but in the end it seems that really mattered come out alright in the end and all that didn't just got thrown away. And she doesn't regret it one single bit.

Seriously, where has all the fun gone...

Keeping the interesting factor is becoming a little more difficult each time. She's done all the spontaneous things and all the surprises. Soon enough she's either going to run out of ideas, or she's not going to bother anymore. So maybe, somewhere down the track sprinkling a little surprise this way would be quite nice and would be just something that she didn't have to plan. She's getting a little bored and a little frustrated. Those two things are never good for her because sooner or later she's going to chuck a useless little tantrum for no particular reason without any remorse. Honestly, anything will do.
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