quotable.

Who'd win if John Crichton and Cameron Mitchell ever got into a fight?

"The simple answer is that Aeryn would dispatch Vala and then rescue John.

Cameron would have the upper hand until Aeryn kicked his a**."

-- Ben Browder

despite it all.

When all seems lost you find a way...

She's glad that you chose her despite it all. It's true, she feels slightly silly. She was worried. She just wanted to make it work, happily. Was that silly at all? You're right, if it was more important you would of left already, if it was of more importance than her then you would of decided long ago that the future was bleak with her. She's glad that you eventually decided on the best for them both. It was important to her that you did, it made her realise that no matter what may happen, you will always continue to surprise her with how much you really want to be with her.

Sometimes you know her too well...

When you told her that you L her. She was afraid of what may happen. She was afraid that she would eventually disappoint you, she was scared that you expected her to say it back, she was most afraid of the fact that she was FILWY too. In the end no matter how hard she tried to avoid it, how much she didn't want to go down that road. She finds herself, 4 years on, almost LY for the rest of her life. When she told you she wasn't sure, you told her that you knew deep down that she did. Why did you have to be so right.

IFILWY...

Despite everything...

Beyond Hope.

She's numb with all the grey truths and lies...

Even as she begins to write this she's not really sure what she is about to write. For once in her life she has no idea what to do to make herself feel better. There are no quick fixes and that frustrates her. Its hard for her to take such truth. Whatever that she does she's not sure how to make it better, how to make it work. But more importantly, how to make it disappear. She's not emotionally made for such situations, she's not ready to make life changing decisions, she's not ready to give up something that was the only thing keeping her together at the worst of times. There's the contradiction, the problem is the one thing that usually keeps her together. So where does she go to now?

She's trying to put all her emotions in check...

No matter what decision she makes there's no happy ending. That's all she really wants... a happy ending... (why is it so hard?) It seems to her that its a lose-lose choice. So does that mean that she has to sacrifice some thing, any thing... Some thing important. Is it worth sacrificing over? She doesn't want to make an irrational choice, a deceiving quick fix or make all the mistakes that she made the last time. She doesn't want it to end the way it did last time. Hoping that it would just go away, the desire just fade away into the wind. Because quite obviously, it hasn't. The regret lies there strong and unwavering and she knows that it won't just go away. She won't be naive about it anymore.

She's confused on how to make it work...

1. She can leave, with a heavy heart, let your life be what ever that you want to make of it. She will become a distant memory, hopefully a good one. She will not even acknowledge the possible friendship that can be formed. A clean break, no attachments. She knows that deep down in her heart that she will never trust another person in case that it falls like this. She knows that there will be no one to hold her when she falls, and that kills her heart more than anything else. Fate may play a part, if it's meant to be then maybe, eventually, it will be. (Maybe they can be just like Aeryn and John.) She's hopeless romantic.

2. She can be your friend. Have conversations with you. A relationship without the kisses, the hugs, the sex. She can be your perfect best friend. But can she handle all the others. Can she handle the embarrassment that she will have to suffer. The foolishness of her choice. She can do it but she knows that its not the way she wants it, its not the way its suppose to be, its not suppose to be anything. She cannot keep her emotions like that, on the line but not saying anything. She feels like she is waiting for you to get over this phase in your life. She will not wait for anybody.

3. She just learns to live with it. Learn to live with your regrets for the rest of her life. Be with you, knowing full well that you aren't 100% ready to be with her. This annoys her, makes her so confused. Because of you, she has let everything go to let you in. She gave up all the things that she held onto so tightly in case of rejection. This certainly feels like rejection to her. She can pretend that it never happened, it was never an issue, live life like a goddamn fool. She can feel that for the rest of the life that she spends with you that she will owe you countlessly. She does not want to feel like she was the only choice you had.

She knows the reassurances that don't count...

So she's just going to find a way because its clear that you don't really want to discuss all the things that worry her. She does not want to make some thing out of nothing and quite clearly this not one of those. She thought not long ago that she was falling in love with you. Now she knows that she cannot be. That's the sad truth.

She feels like leaving it all up to fate...

Beyond Hope...

in your code...

 

IFILWY...

For you handsome...

just...

I'm going to get a chance to do it all again...

Just for a day...

To be with you...

Last thing at night...

First thing in the morning...

Just with you...

in your own ways.

I like the way:

• you call me sexy every time you answer the phone
• your hugs are always different from the next
• you do spontaneous exploration at the most inconvenient time
• you "Mwah"
• you surprise me with your unpredictable romantic notions
• you tell me you miss me
• you understand what I'm saying in the least amount of spoken words
• you know exactly what I like and don't like
• you calm me in amidst a storm of anger... most of the time
• you simply make me feel special
• you unconditionally believe that I am still beautiful after this long
• you think the same as me so I don't have to explain it to you
• you believe that I can do everything that I want to do
• you believe in me
• you tell me random things (like the scratching the ear thing)
• you and I have one day, for a few hours, set aside for each other
• I can't get to sleep without hearing your voice last thing at night
• you want to be in every part of my life without hesitation, no matter the circumstance
• you try so hard not to disappoint me, and you don't
• you make me laugh until I'm crying out for you to stop making me laugh
• you think the world should follow the rules of 'Calum Logic'
• you match my passion, desire, want, need, in every way
• you love me... quietly... in your own way...

kiss me in the morning.

I can't wait to spend a night with you...

With no twist, no turns and no secretive gestures...

I can't wait to hear your sleepy breathing before I fall asleep too...

I wouldn't want it to end...

I can't wait to be wrapped in warmth by your arms...

Without a care for the outside world...

I can't wait to wake up with you and just you...

Last thing at night, first thing in the morning...

Kiss me in the morning so I know its not a dream...

satisfy tomorrow.

No soft words to tempt me...

Don't bother with complements to make me tingle. It's not needed and you're only wasting valuable time. So instead of words of beauty, just grab hold of me and take me to somewhere extraordinary. Just you and me. Don't bother to whisper about insatiable needs. Take me hand and lead me to them. All I want to hear is your breathing against mine.

No kisses of seduction to romance me...

Don't kiss me softly on the lips to cause my heart to melt. Kiss me with each and every fiber of passion in your body. I want to feel every kiss even after you are gone. Lead me with your kisses to where I want to be, someplace that will satisfy each untamed desire of want. With each kiss I want to sense your effect upon me.