in the moment.

That moment when it started to fade...

She's not sure why it hit her so hard this time. She's handled it before, moved on with dignity even if it did leave a small pocket of sadness in her heart. May be she just had enough, enough of saying no and repeating herself with a frustrated sigh. Maybe this time it was the way you were, angry at her once again. Something that she will never really get use to. She wanted to leave, not caring, she just wanted to get out of such a situation. It's not easy to say the things that will make you sad, so she doesn't want to be the one that says things that will make you upset that she isn't perfect. She wants to be perfect, just for you.

The moment when it was cleared...

When you held her close, listen to her crazy sobs and tried to calm her down, she knew that it would be okay. That everything would be fine. She will not forget the way you pulled her close in amidst her crying, and hugged her so tightly. She physically needed you and you did exactly that. She just didn't want to make you angry or disappointed, she felt like she did.

The moment when it didn't matter...

It wasn't until you pulled her close later that night that she felt that you had stopped feeling any anger, hatred, annoyance towards her. When you pulled her close and whispered in her ear that you didn't mean to upset her that day, she knew that it didn't matter what had happened. No matter what the argument, silly or serious, it won't and can't get in between. More importantly she needed to feel that you weren't holding anything against her. She's glad you whispered in her ear what you did.

------------

You make me happy....

believe this truth.

After four hours...

You made me see reason, stability and once again a content future. I needed that and you gave me exactly what I needed to feel good about life, the potential I had within this silly life and me. I'm glad you dug out what was making me a mess because I don't think I could find anyone else to do it as perfectly as you did. And you wonder how in the world I depend on you despite what you may think.

After four years...

I've grown to realise that after all this time that I have got to know you as a person how selfless you really are towards me. Makes me feel like I need to do more for you, and I hope in the past I have been able to give such passion that you have given me. I wondered how crazy my life was before I ever knew you, and now I can't imagine a life without you making it utterly insane.

-----------

I just want you to know...

No matter if you believe this truth...

You are my pillar of strength...

From the very beginning to the very end...

Mwah...

deepest convictions.

Without any sighs...

She's feeling... unwell, unrested, unstable. She can't pinpoint it, she can't understand what's making her feel this way, she doesn't know what to do. She wonders if she's just going mad with scenarios, playing stupid little games amongst that pretty head of hers. She's trying to understand, she's trying to learn the difference between reality and the silly and crazy things that she invents. She wants it to just go away, a solution that seems to solve nothing. She can't even distinguish between the horrible lies and peaceful truths. She's a mess.

Unpredicted outbreaks...

It seems she's going backwards. After all this time, she's moved so far away from this kind of situation to only running right into it again. History repeats itself in the most unexpected ways. A few missing pieces and that's all it needs for everything to feel like a threat to her. She is threatened way too easily but she's only trying to protect herself. She's not even sure what she is protecting about herself. All she knows is that this, whatever the exact thing is, makes her doubt.

Convinced changes...

It seems that once again, she needs to become a person who won't be fazed from the words that should mean little and make sure that when history has a second chance she won't fall without a word into such a trap. She will prepare herself without the hatred that existed before, without the self-doubts and without the excuses. She will not be defeated this time.

-----------

Backtrack: Darkest Convictions...

randomness about her.

She...

• doesn't feel her age, most of the time feels younger than she really is
• has finally understood how to tame her hair, most of the time
• prefers summer to winter for the first two days of summer and the whole of winter
• adores oversized jackets, but never wears them out
• becomes random and irrational when she gets too tired
• would rather work over uni, not because of money but because she loves her job
• wants to make waitressing a profession... don't ask
• forgets that she's asian... all the time
• hates current fashion at anytime
• could sleep all day without a care
• has an unquenchable Farscape obsession, that she adores
• can talk endlessly if the topic and person were right
• only plans one day at a time
• over saves on money and always complains that there is never enough money
• is money hungry
• never thought about marriage
• didn't think anyone would want to marry her
• likes kids, as long as its in small doses and she can give them back
• has a retarded sense of humor
• swears without thinking
• has verbal diaheora, doesn't think before she speaks
• is stubborn
• can't stand stubborn people
• clumsy and a klutz, almost on a daily basis
• doesn't compliment, doesn't mean she doesn't like it but its not her thing
• doesn't know what to do or how to react to compliments
• is mostly positive
• thinks lilies are the most sophisticated flowers
• can't spell when she writes in capitals
• thinks labeling people is funny and an entire waste of time, but she still does it
• way too easy amused
• laughs randomly, only to realise that no one else gets it anyway
• think Irn Bru is soft drink gold
• cannot find religion helpful to her
• has a terrible Redskin addiction and keeps a stash
• adores caramel
• a true dork at heart
• thinks too much
• does not like to be provoked
• eats about anything and everything at least once
• is insane about him...

... to be continued ...

<3

The moment where it meant the world to me...

4 Years

14th October 2006

You are my wonder...

insanity of plagues.

You make me go through every possible emotion at every glance...

How do you do that to me?

Whatever you do, whatever it is...

I don't care.

I'm insane about you.

"You're like a plague... and I just keep coming back..."

without any care.

Clearing up all the grey areas...

I would not claim her to be a friend, in fact, I have no reason or want for a friend like her. This is not to say I pick perfect friends because to be quite honest, no one is perfect. But I can pick my friends, and so I can pick whoever I want. Whether the reason suits anyone else. I'm sure somewhere she is a good person to other people, hence why in fact she has friends. I, however, cannot begin to fathom it at all. I have tried, don't get me wrong. Everyone has a fair chance until they are proven wrong. A lot of things she does I cannot agree to. While I do not agree with the lifestyle or personality with all of my friends, they all have one thing that she does not have from me; respect. I respect their choice, I respect what they want in life and in return they actually respect what I have to say to them and what is important in my life.

There is still hatred in the air...

Most people know how I feel about her. So there isn't much to be cleared up on the manner but someone said something the other day that I felt gave the wrong impression. She may not be my friend but I have a lot more respect and dignity to know that starting a grudge is useless, and will put people in awkward situations. The things I'm about to write are not new, everyone who has talked to me on the topic will know this inside out. I was civil to her, because of the certain connection she had. Now I don't have to care anymore because I have talked to that person and they know that what I did was for that person only. I also understand their true feelings for her which were a mystery to me before.

Just so that we are all on the same page...

I am a civil person and I will continue to do so for the sake of me. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not without reason and I rarely lash out unless I feel a need to defend myself. Everyone knows the past and knows how much I was angry and disappointed in the situation and how hard I tried not to get involved. I did in the end because it hit me hard. I cannot forget this even if it is said that it is better to forget all the bad things in the past. Yes, I hold a grudge, one that I will not make public. (I will not make it out the way she made it. I will not turn out like her). It was the first time that I really needed to defend myself from, quite frankly, stupidity on her part.

If I ever care enough to listen...

I wrote this entry not to start anything, I wrote it to clear up where I stood. I have not named the person because to be quite frank, everyone who knows already knows and if you don't know then it shouldn't mean anything to you. I don't care for reactions, I don't care for the nasty words, I don't care for the pleads about how she is so good. Obviously if that is the case you do not see what I see and I hold no grudge to you on what you may see in her. I will continue to act the way I want to. I have not named her because from now on she is just like every other person who I couldn't careless about, therefore she does not need a name. After all this is the last time I will speak about it.

sigh...

If she hasn't found a way...

She doesn't understand what she keeps doing wrong. She doesn't know how to fix it. She's tried so many times, so many different ways, so many more that she has now completely lost for anymore ideas. It seems that no matter what approach she tries they never work out the way it suppose to. She's frustrated in always regretting what she says because in the end it's not only not fixed, its worse. Every time she feels like its all her fault in bringing it up. Yet when she decides that maybe she should just keep it to herself, she gets blamed for being untrustworthy and holding things back. She just doesn't know what to do anymore.

She's done with repeating herself...

She tried to make it easy for everyone to understand. Obviously it didn't go the way she had hoped. It ends up being about angry words, old things that she never wanted to bring back and being spoken to in a tone of voice that she finds degrading. She tries to keep her cool, try not to let her anger be the center of attention because it really isn't suppose to be there anyway. She gets pushed, she gets put into a situation that only she knows how to deal with, she fights back. It's in her nature and in her heart she knows that it is dead wrong. Yet in the end no matter how hard she fights back, how pressured she feels to constantly try and defend herself, she loses. She loses the simplest thing, just an ear to listen without any judgment, without any anger, with love. So is it that unwise that she wonders to herself why she bothered in the first place... again.

Sigh...