Monday, May 29, 2006

within every impression.


In every word, in every sentence...

I just realise that I contradict a lot of the things that I write in here...
One moment I'm on a high, the next on a low about the same thing...
Does anyone else get that impression?
I've decided that I might try a different writing approach...
If I have the guts...

Life will always be erratic with him...

viciously warm liqueur



In the cool air with warm liqueur...

She could of just left him there, in the dark, in the cold to freeze. Let his heart freeze over with hatred, anguish and the unrealistic realization that she is just like every other girl... demanding and hopeless. Once, she wouldn't of cared, she would of let him sit there for all she cared because she didn't need a life with his unattractive ways. She didn't want to be the one to give in first at every sign of trouble, she shouldn't need to either. Right now, right here in this time, she has learned to changed... unfortunately.

Beneath the dark sky and light heads...

She feels somewhat cheated every time that she gives in. Like she loses the battle even when she shouldn't have. But she knows that deep down that there is no other way, someone, in the end always gives in, it just happens to be her. Despite it all, nothing ever gets resolved, in fact she walks away with a heavy heart knowing that when he says its solved its solved. She's learning this fact too well. She's realising that things can change with time, no matter what they are.

With heartfelt words and vicious truths...

In the end, she kisses him, hugs him, gives him every benefit of the doubt. Every time. This time will be the last. Despite herself promising that for so long, she will not be played for a fool or be so easily controlled. There is no next time for her anymore. She's not sure what she will do, all she knows is that she will never be the first to fall, it hasn't worked for her to begin with. She will not give up so easily anymore to keep the peace, peace will have to learn to come to her.

She is not every other girl... neither demanding or hopeless.
She is herself in every way... whether you can accept that or not.



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She understands that she makes life difficult for you on occasions. She never use to, she knows. But back then things were different, she was more wanted, needed, less complicated. She will not turn out like every other girlfriend, she refuses to turn out like every other girlfriend, she has always said that, so she will not say anymore the things that she has said. Just don't expect her to treat you different from the way she feels you have treated her. She doesn't need the public hugs or kisses or affection, in fact you know that she shies away from those things because she finds it rude and uncomfortable for those around. Acknowledgement does not include these public displays, it just simply means that she will no longer tolerate being noticed when you want to notice her.

Monday, May 15, 2006

in-between her fears.


The thin line between tears and happiness...

She's a little overwhelmed, a little lost and in a little bit of a haze. She still trying to fully understand where she stands, where he stands and them in utter general. It's not a bad thing, it's not a tragic thing and definitely not a mistake. In her heart, in her soul, she didn't expect herself to feel the way she does now. She feels like she should run a mile yet at the same time not move, suspend time, savor the moment. It confuses her to a point that she doesn't know who she is anymore.

He knows the truth between her fears...


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Sunday, 14th May, 2005
43rd Month Anniversary...


Friday, May 5, 2006

for the rest of my life.


Your selflessness for me...

I can't believe all the things, the lengths that you would go for just for me. While I've always known, always believed it I never wanted to fall into it because I didn't want to fool myself blind. Yet right now, right at this moment, I cannot find anything that would question it at all. I couldn't find anyone better to care about me, to look after me (for the rest of my life...). I wonder some times how I could ever repay you in the same way, whether you feel the same way about me, whether I can be just as selfless about you as you have for me. I hope I can and will... for you (for the rest of my life...).

Your power over me...

The way you kept me in control of the situation, made sure that every time that I was about to fall apart you stood there, two feet firmly on the ground, a voice of command, and pulled me back into a possible reality, the real reality, the one that seemed clouded by my misjudgements. I felt so much safer with you there, by my side, stopping me from crying my heart out when I felt the world was completely against me. You never once critical of me, you just pulled me up and kept positive on everything that I could. I will never doubt anything that you say cannot be done.

Your pillar of strength with me...

I don't know how to ever repay you really, (I guess I may have the rest of my life for that). But I want you to seriously know, how grateful that I am that I have you, that I would never doubt things so harshly that I have in the past. How willing you are to make me so happy, how you keep me from falling apart, how you and only you made me see the positive amongst the negative, all these things keep me alive. And after all of this I wonder why I'm so afraid for completely and utterly falling in love with you, even when you do all this for me.

I wish that I wasn't so afraid to love you for everything that your worth.
When I do it will be for the rest of my life...



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This is an important entry for me...
It's first time I've actually formally used 'love' and 'him' in the same sentence... let alone a public one.
(I know its been three and half years but I didn't want to fool myself into a trap so placed by everyone else.)
It's also the first time that I've allowed myself to think of a future that may become reality with him...
It still scares me... but a little less now...
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