really want.

Simple need...

Ecstasy...

X just marks the spot...

silly romantic notions.

Her heart desires all the silly romantic notions...

In one look will you kiss her like you've been holding your breath all this time.

At first touch will you hug her with all the teddy bear hugs you can muster.

Is the scent of her hair, her perfume, her essence remind you of where your soul belongs.

Will you see her through your blue eyes remembering why you fell for her in the first place.

Can you map her face knowing that your mind could never portray it as well as this moment.

Does the feel of her hand in yours cause you to never want to let go.

When she laughs will you grin stupidly to yourself knowing that you miss that sound more than you realised.

With a look into her eyes can you see the passion and desire she still holds for you.

If she had a choice.

In one kiss she would kiss you until she ran out of all the breath that she has been holding.

At first touch she would stay unmoving in your teddy bear hug.

The scent of your clothes, your skin would keep her soul tangle up with yours.

Through your blue eyes she can see how she continuously falls for you.

Mapping out every line, every wrinkle, every mark makes you so unique to her.

Holding your hand makes her feel like you would never want to let go.

Seeing your stupid grin as she laughs only makes her smile knowing that she can make you grin just like that.

With a look into your eyes she wants to remind you of the passion and desire that you will always invoke in her.

Her irrational conclusions of what could be...

And never will be...

untangling from fancy dreams.

Just like a disappearing act...

There's something unsettling about realising where things seem to stand. Where once it seemed that it all made sense no longer makes any sense to her. In some ways she's learned the lesson that nothing was really hers and it was always something that was his. It doesn't surprise her in the way that it probably should but she wonders why she ever convinced herself otherwise. She's stopped pretending that she ever was something other than his plus one, but despite trying so hard, after so many years she would like to think of herself as her own person. However, this is proving otherwise.

Letting go piece by piece...

She feels that she devotes a lot of time into the present with not much consideration into the future. A large contrast when it comes to him. She sometimes feels like he forgets to live in the moment, to savor the kisses, to relinquish in the warm hugs or even realise that things planned in the future will not always work out in the immediate present. She realises all too well that she hangs onto his fancy dreams and lace like words but lately she's found this strange personality in her that she's not too sure what will do.

Every strand falling apart...

There are so many situations that she has been afraid to run away from. The sole reason being that she's too stubborn to let go of the things that are comfortable to her, things that are almost habitual. She's starting to realise that she's not afraid of taking the big steps or the necessary steps of precaution. Sadly, losing things bit by bit no longer fazes her, in fact, she just sits back and watches it all disappears no matter how hard she may be trying to hold on. Today is one of those days, where she wonders if a better offer will present itself, and the truth as to whether or not she would take it.

worth every lie.

 
There is only so many times it can be repeated before it gets old...
 
Once again it happens. This time round she tried to stop being annoying and never once said a word. It made her feel more miserable than she was and made her hate you and everything about you. It was never suppose to work out that way. It was all suppose to be for the better and to make it all alright in the end. Instead it did the opposite and the stupid thing was that you hardly noticed at all. Yet is it surprising considering you don't seem to notice that she's miserable and sad lately. So was it worthwhile at all to mention it, so that it wouldn't all tear itself apart? She hasn't got much faith in it because it never really has worked out in the long-run. She can feel herself get more and more exhausted from trying and more and more disappointed when it is thrown right back into her face. It's not worth your anger because you always know the best way to hurt her.

The solutions that always sound long-term but never really will be......
 
Whatever happened to not getting enough of her laughter, her stupid talks, her crazy antics and just her in general. If she lets it all slip away a fraction at a time she doesn't even see you try to reclaim it. It's like you never bother to look and see what is happening and she is the one doing all the saving. But no credit ever goes her way, no extra loving goes her way and nothing emotionally valuable of any sense seems to come from you at all. You seem blinded by everything that she has done when it is all done especially for you. She will not be taken for granted, yet you wouldn't notice that either would you? So don't be so offended when she finally decides that you probably won't really make it better for real this time because she's believed it too many times before. It's not about blame no matter how much you think its all about you. Its about yourself and herself, together, trying to get rid of all the things that threaten to make it end unhappily.

Saying one thing while doing the exact utter opposite......
 
She's not a hard-to-please person, she's not a nosy individual and she is definitely not someone who questions every motive. So she believed what you said even though all her senses told her otherwise. She doesn't know what to do with what she has. Whilst its small she feels betrayed, that you could say one thing so easily and then lie and leave details out for your own selfish convenience. It's exactly the thing that is the problem and you did it all right to her face without flinching. Did you feel remorse, did you care, did you truly think that she would be ignorant enough? Every benefit of the doubt she gave you seems to just have been spat right back into her face. So does she show you so that you can pull some sort of excuse to make it all better, or let you find a way to hurt her by saying horrible things in the heat of the moment.  She just feels angry beyond comprehension, betrayed by the one person that should never betray her and so upset that no words, no matter how much she writes, can describe it. Forgive her for not really believing all that you say in the future. She hopes that it was all worth it, every last lie.

threatening shadows.

Laying awake staring into the dark...

There are a million and one things that keep repeating themselves in her head. They all disappoint her, sadden her and just completely and utterly make her usual optimistic views down right dark and pessimistic. She can't seem to shake it away, can't seem to brush it away, can't seem to talk it away because there is nothing that seems to make it all just go away. She hasn't got much hope left that it will just vanish from her thoughts because for once reality wins over her fantasies and hopes. She needs to feel better and she doesn't even know where to begin anymore, or whether or not it matters.

The murky line of non-existence...

In all the things that she has said before it seems that nothing really changes, nothing really heals and everything just seems to stay the same miserable way. Not once has she felt she has been given the credit for being brave, for being strong or for just even keeping her damn big mouth shout. No recognition, no idea, and absolutely no clue that she has tried so hard and been on her very best behavior. Whilst she's not digging for compliments, or looking for that big reward she is waiting for you to figure out that she is trying desperately to be patient and that it has now lost its way. She's only got so much to give and she have given it all away without anything in return.

All the shadows that will follow her around...

She keeps saying over and over again of all the things that she would like from you. They are not hard, they are not demanding but for some reason you seem to never get it. And even when you do its only for a short amount of time and then once again she is right here. It can't keep being this hard because in the immediate future it will never work like this, it will never survive the way you seems to think it will. Right now, she knows where she stands with you, no where to be seen. The list of priorities that are so important to you seem to include her but disregarded time and time again. The one thing that makes her so sad above all else is that you have not once expressed that you regret or care that you will leave me behind.

on fire at one touch.

Ignite a spark in one moment...

She never expects that some times good things can happen out of no where or that great things happen without a reason. But she gets tested, she gets tricked and some times just a moment of it is enough for her to believe that she can breathe freely for once in a very long while. Despite all this, the most unprecedented thing about it is that some times it is you who gives that exact spark to her. That reason alone makes the gesture all the more grander and all the more appreciated. The truth is that it's because of you that it is the best thing for her at that moment. So when its no longer there, sooner or later, she's not sure how she will remember to take a break and breathe.

Forced flames for one purpose...

To her you are a remarkable person. She never would really admit how much she really needs you or how much she really would depend on you. She wouldn't even admit it to herself. But she knows that she has changed her views on life, her life, because you came and rearranged everything and demanded that new pieces fit where they didn't in your own selfish way. Some times she hates the idea that you did that yet somehow all these inputs in her life mean something to her now but only if you are there to see it through together.

On fire at one touch...

In all the uncertainties in her life, all the ones that were already there and all the new ones you inscribed into her life, she knows that some times she needs to stop holding on so tightly and believe that it will all work out all right. In that one moment despite the fact that sooner or later its another memory to add to all the ones already in her mind, she felt positive about it. She'd been waiting to feel something other than fear and it finally showed itself. In just one moment, at one touch, the one true purpose was there. One step closer to surviving it all because in the end it is going to be worth it all.