always without hesitation.

 

Run away with me without hesitation...

Spending time without caring what passes by.

All the walks without a destination.

Dinners for two that where shared.

All the ice creams by the wharf.

Every kiss of romance.

All the dances for passion.

Surprises of every fantasy.

The nights surrounded with nothing but desire.

I've fallen for you all over again.

You make me feel light-hearted.

I don't want it to ever go away.

ILY without hesitation...

consuming time together.

Some of the time we are blind enough to fool ourselves...

There were times where she thought she had it all under control. She knew what she was saying, what she was doing and why she wanted it the way that she wanted things to be. Every mention was made for all the wrong reasons, and all the unsatisfying reasons were without any common sense. Every time you let it happen, you let it consume you, you let it control you. While some of her concerns were within reason, some were just that she wanted more, always wanting more from you. She wants what she has always felt and believed were true to her, your passion for her and hers for you.

In time we only begin to understand ourselves and each other...

There's no apologies that can make up for all the stupid mistakes she has made among the ones that did make sense. She wished that she had realised it all, that she has seen it and grasp the situation faster than she has now. It seems that it's all about mending what's been wrong instead of understanding and working on what could of been wrong. The irony of it all is that she thought she was doing just that, making things better. So maybe somewhere, you can see that she thought she was trying to find that passion you bestowed on her before and that she only wants it to live forever.

Most of the time we will be alright and that's what we need...

She learned a hard lesson. Possibly because she fooled herself into thinking that life will eventually work out alright. That together things will be okay and that you still want to be just as crazy as you ever were for her. It's not your fault, she just wanted to be forever loved by you. She wanted you to show her. She realises now that she was the one making it difficult, the one that couldn't accept, the one that had nothing but resistance. That was her being selfish. Yet despite this, she knew it, and she wanted for once to be the one that was the selfish one. You did everything you could, she can see that now.

In all of time that's left we will make it through...

She's going to do all that you have done for her as long as you keep trying for her as well. She will forget that it's all about her and have faith in you and your dreams. She will believe in hope once more and maybe it will be enough to get her through it. The truth is that it's scary, after five years, she needs you more than ever and it seems that she needs to be stronger for you, for you both. She wants more than your promises, it feels like its not enough. She needs more as you need more from her. She wants to be sure that you understand what you are doing and that she will always try to be the best she can for you, from now on. She hopes you believe her.

--------------

I need more than your promises to completely let go...

At least I understand better than I did a week ago...

I hope it's not too late...

hoping for one last time.

Some things are not suppose to be repeated...

Others linger in the air waiting for the right moment...

There are times that the words spoken cannot always be heard the right way...

It is inevitable to let the words pass without any emotion stirring...

Letting it just slide, slip, and disintegrate into the air between seems easy...

Yet she knows she is fooling herself deep inside...

She waits for the day when it finally becomes reality despite everything...

Even as she hopes that it may never come...

It will be the last time she holds hope for anything...

One last time...

rare and simple

There's a smile on my face that is rare these days...

I hope its not short lived...

I want it to stay...

it's not much.

Adore me...
Remind me that I'm beautiful...
Pay attention to me...
Be affectionate towards me...
Treat me like a lady...
Romance me all the time...
Be spontaneous and surprise me...
Make me smile...
Hug me with teddy bear hugs...
Make all the effort I put in it be worth...
Seduce me even if its silly fun...
Want me all the time...
Think about me in positive ways...
Love me...

Really it's not much...
Really it's all I want...

selfish emotional being.

Maybe I should just run away...

I'm tired of distracting myself so I don't have to think about being alone.
I'm frustrated at the tears that so easily arrive whenever I think of it all.
I'm annoyed at trying to be pleased at everything when everything doesn't seem to matter.
I'm angry at everybody and nobody all at the same time.
I hate being asked how I am because I no longer have a pleasant answer.
I don't remember why I bother to get up in morning with no real purpose.
I'm confused about how I should be with you by my side, it's not the same anymore.
I'm upset because I will never get what I want.
I'm weak for not realising that no happiness is ever long lived.
I'm sad... and nothing seems to make it all go away... and I just want it to all go away.
I'm not sure what to do with myself now and forever.

 

After all nothing seems to make me as happy as I should.

dramatically overrated forevers.

Being optimistic means next to nothing...

There are hours when it all means very little, in fact it seems to slip on by without even being a simple thought. But it's the moments where she realises the most important certainty in her life seems to be turning to dust right in front of her. It's those minutes that she realises how much she wants to throw her selfish tantrum and to scream and yell until there is nothing left inside of her. Yet every time she sits and reflects how foolish she has been to fall into her own dark romantic traps she can't seem to find any energy. She's over the crying, she's over the thinking out loud, she over the talking about it, it simply just eats away at her because she doesn't know what else to do with it. It just feels like there's terribly more bad than there is the good.

Smiles washed away with the old useless tears...

There are times where its alright and things are the way it is without a second thought. Yet lately it looms over and reminds her how little she has left and how much its all going to hurt. So she reminds herself that she must not fall into the trap of believing so whole heartily, of dreaming of those silly romantic dreams, or wanting to swoon at the sweet words of promises. The barriers of safety she so nervously put down now seems to be the one thing that has let her down. She will not make that mistake this time, especially when it seems she can not do anything else. She feels useless.

Romance that swept right by without a care...

Despite all the sadness, all the anger and frustration, its all been for nothing because it won't be long before she realises that no matter what she wants she's just not going to be any better than she is now.

Just really tired of it all...

so it is.

Remembering to breathe for something better...

There's nothing that anyone can do. There's nothing that she can do within her power, no matter how hard she has tried. It seems that she is left to deal with a mess that isn't even suppose to be hers in the first place. She feels so drained and tormented by it that she's ready to drop from exhaustion because there seems to be no happy ending for her. She's foolish to think that there was ever going to be one.

Forgetting all the words that should of meant something...

All the moments that mean everything seem non-existent now. They just become this increasingly faded memory. She has all the reasons, it makes her more angry that she understands all of them too. She fights for them onto herself and she left with no one to fight for her reasons. She wants someone to fight for her reason, to give her a reason that feeling this way is acceptable. But maybe that's asking too much.

Tormenting the emotions that should be something...

Trying to forget is so hard, trying to make things better is not working and being the best that she can does not make it all go away. She wants someone here and now for her. She wants to be selfish for once, and yet she knows this is not the time for it. She wants him to understand that making him happy, is going to cost her, with no guilt attached. She just wants him to understand where she is because no one else knows.

Punishing something that does not deserve it...

Once again passion, desire and most unfaithfully love has deserted all it's loyalties to her. This time she doesn't know where to find it again because the one place that forever had those qualities doesn't seem to want to understand her in the way its suppose to be. There's no where to go.

-------------------

You have no idea...
How much I needed you in this moment...
And you weren't there...
To understand any of it...

from the first stolen glance...

She misses romance.

Not the one that sweeps her off her feet, not the one that causes her to breathe harder, or the one that pulls her in so passionately and holds her there. She wants the one where a look can make her smile, the conversations that are just an excuse to be near her and the soft stolen touches that make her skin tingle with flattery.

She misses the romance that starts the passion.

nowhere without you.

Where do you go when you don't want to be anywhere...

I am:

• confused about why things are the way they are
• angry at myself for behaving like an idiot
• disappointed that I make you angry so much
• tired of over thinking about why things just plain outright suck
• wondering if maybe I've gone too far with too much
• wishing you will continue to fight for me no matter how bad it gets
• trying to be understanding
• never going to cry again
• ignoring all the arguments that I seem to cause
• realising keeping things to myself may work out better
• wanting to run away because its so much easier
• selfish too often without reason
• regretting some of the things that I said because of the way things have turned out
• upset with us
• stubborn and it has cost me much and will eventually cost me everything
• screwed up in the head like you said
• the one that will most likely to stuff up
• trying to be positive but maybe I'm not trying hard enough
• promise to make being with me worth your while
• nothing without your love

 

Yet, it doesn't seem to make anything better...

more than just everything.

Wanting to be everything and so much more...

Is it hard to believe that all she wants is to be your everything. Your heart, your soul, your one and only. She wants to cater for all the things that you want, that you need, that you only believed were true in you dreams. She's delusional to think that. To believe she could be that, to think that she could ever come even the slightest bit closer to being everything. She's also realised that she has the toughest job of all, pleasing everything that you have ever wanted. She thought she had it all under control.

Protecting what was left and what has gone...

The silly little ideas that weren't meant to be anything seem to be the one thing that she knew would be something. Ignoring it didn't seem to work but then again confronting it did not really help the situation either. She's disappointed in herself and she's far beyond angry. She is threatened, and for some reason, deep down, she doesn't know whether she has the fight left inside of her. She's scared to find out just how little fight she has left. If she is not enough in every aspect to fulfill it all, is it worth all this angst.

Trying to understand all the reasons in between...

Every ounce of what was left of positive attitude seems not to make a difference and it should. She wants to be reassured, she wants to be told that she is almost everything, that she is worth everything at the least. She needs to be constantly told because every time she finally thinks of the future, the possible future that seems so close, reality has a way of telling her that she's falling into her own trap. Will all the regrets end up being the cause of failure or will it be her own undoing for believing too whole heartedly. The sad truth is she can never entirely seem to let herself go.

growing up in my eyes.

For all the reasons I cannot explain it will never be the way you want it to be...

Years of build up anger, frustrations, and regret after regret will not be erased by simply having a heartfelt conversation with you. You will never understand all the things that I have had to go through or had to endure to be here where I am today. I will not change who I am for you because you have finally realised that its time to speak out, time to be there for me, time to be a loving guidance in my life. The time for that was years ago. You stuffed up and I turned out okay, so I don't need you in the way you think I do. I don't care for your help because I have not needed it for years.

Its too late despite the fact that I will never grow up in your eyes....

I have done things that I do not and will not regret in my life. I did all those things for me, for what I believe in and for what I wanted in my life. I would not change it even though it would have made my life so much easier. It has made my life the way it is and made the me the way I am. It doesn't make me perfect and I know I am flawed but it is me and I found my strength to make what I am today. You do not get to take the credit for that.

There will always be that rift because you never understood me the way you should have...

I will continue to lie, to cheat and to deceive. I have no guilt towards you anymore because I flushed that out of my system long ago. You flushed it out of my system long ago. I will not stand by and be punished or have my self esteem squashed so far down that I do not even understand my existence. You never had the right to do that to me and yet you did. I have become a stronger person and I am not afraid of the things I use to be. You do not scare me. You do not run my life. You never did. There will be no change from me. There never will be.

It takes more than a talk.

It takes more than promises and apologies.

It's too late for me.

You will just have to deal with it.

above all expectations.

Its like wondering what lies under the wrapping paper and pretty big bow...

There are times when I wonder what you think about me. Whether its all truth or made up lies. If its all the positives and none of negative. Or the possible regrets and the rightful choices. I just want to know what you think about me. All the good and all the bad. I want be told of the things that you see about me, that you want about me, that you dislike about me. But the most important thing is that I want to know why you like me in the way that you do, with all your heart on the line almost constantly for me.

Through all the balloons and streamers that fill the room...

The truth about you is that you are more than I had ever expected. The things that you say, the things that you do and all the things in between seem like actions from someone that is unlike you. But yet, the strange thing is I don't think you could be any other way. I wouldn't want you any other way either. Its the way you look for my hand, or how you stick your tongue at me, that would not be the same from anyone but you.

Surprises that make the heart jump with joy...

It catches my breath the way that you view me. The way that I can't seem to view myself. Its the thing beyond that that really makes my heart fall for you. You mean it in everyway, the way you say it, the way you respond to it and in the way you don't fault in anyway. You mean it more than I had ever expected it to. I'm glad I intrigue the way you do the same for me. Don't ever stop surprising me, don't ever say the things you don't mean but always always be mine.

somewhere somehow.

In the realities that escape from her...

Hold me down.. knock me down... drown the thoughts... and destroy all those frowns.

Run away with me... somewhere with sand... somewhere with bottomless alcohol... somewhere I can just run away without a bother.

--------------

re-adjusting what's left.

Where the dreams are suppose to come true...

It didn't take long for it all to fall apart. The time management, the assessments and the need to stay on top of everything. It just crumbled in less that three weeks. How did it fall so fast and so hard even before I saw it happening this time. It doesn't matter. All I know is that I have to try again to be on top, to work harder, to manage myself better. After-all I want those High Distinctions.

Where the friendships come and go...

It's hard to keep in check what everyone’s differences are. What to say to who and what not to say to others. Sometimes you just know that it would never happen, and some times its for the best. But when you try so hard to make things work why do some things that just disintegrate in your hands so easily. At least there is love in the places that I know will understand. I have the friends, that mean enough to me.

Where working together is just as important...

Some times it takes a little bit more than just patience to deal with the problems that you knew where always there. But some times it takes others just that little bit longer to see the truth with their eyes. And trust me, if you be cruel, it will show. I will be fair but it will be with everyone, not just what you demand. I am fair, no matter what you think.

Where there is never enough time for you...

I miss those times that we spent all to ourselves. Where did they go and how come I can't get them back. I miss that one hour of just you and I. It never seems enough.

forever today.

Kiss me like that all the time...

It makes me smile every time I think about it...

--------------

I actually miss Scotland.

never stop being just you.

Surprise me with all the desire in your blue eyes...

Deep in darkness when the lights fade away, you will never know the smile of happiness that smears across my face. I wonder if you feel it when you place your tender lips against mine. It doesn't really matter if you can hear, see or feel all that you have done to me. It's my little tiny secret that I keep away from you. I don't want you to know what kind of effect you have on me, away from you or simply being near you. Its for me to smile about in my own little way.

Throw passion into the caution of your beautiful heart...

Some times being with you seems in its self an impossible feat. There you are, your hands on my hips, your kiss on my lips, and the sins you invoke into me life. If it weren't for you I would of never known, this life you so passionately want to bestow upon me. I don't want to leave it all, not now, not ever, all because of you. So every time that you pull me towards you I know that I am being pulled into a life that I wouldn't want with anybody else, in any other way. Just with you.

Catching the skips of breath in each of your kisses...

This dizziness you seem to create, can you make it last forever in the way you have made it your own all these years. Continue to hug me with all your might and all the things that you mean you say and I may just never want to ever let you out of my sight. You make my vision a complete blur. You make me smile without knowing. You make me laugh until I am weak. Then you pick me up and kiss me once more. Never stop.

always on my mind.

I'm simply missing you like crazy...

-----------

Possibly something more inspiration than this later...

make me weak with your kisses.

When you sneak up on me just like that...

There's something about you that never bores me.

You always come up with the most spontaneous compliments in the old fashioned Calum way.

You always surprise me with what goes on in that head of yours.

Lately, I just can't seem to get enough of you.

You are like a drug.

You make me think so irrationally.

When you make me laugh, I can't help but grin for the rest for the day.

And when you kiss me...

My heart, my head, my whole body just goes weak.

I hope you meant what you said.

Because life without you would just bore me to death.

I fall right into your arms...

---------

Just like today...

the end of one bad chapter.

 
In the made up delusions of your mind...
 
I don't understand you. I really just don't. It would be quite simple for me to ask you what your problem is but in the end I would be wasting my seconds with you. You are simply just a waste of space. I am just so tired of your stupidity and delusions. You don't need me to tell you who you are because to be absolutely honest with you, something you know I do no matter what and you forever compliment me on, you know it and guess what, everyone's knows it as well. You would deny everything and turn the entire situation about you and your frelled up life. And your life is frelled up, but not in the way you think it is. You are fucked, really fucked. Go get help, in any way you can, because one day it may just be your absolute demise.

The world according to your soap opera...
 
I know everything that goes on. Why? Because unlike you my friends are honest to me, they know the things that will hurt me need to be told by them so they can help me out and most of all because if you say something that will hurt me they will warn me no matter what. That is what my friends do so don't you DARE say or blame what they pretended to say to you. Just because you want all those silly teenage implications in your life does not mean any of us want to waste away our life with you. Yes, you're on your own because you are definitely delusional. You can say whatever the frell you want about me or him but trust me no one believes that he is jealous of you, GET OVER YOURSELF NOW before you make a worse fool of yourself than you already are. There are people laughing at you behind your back. That's how honest I am.

You let history repeat itself in the worse possible way...
 
I had told you once and I will not be as gentle as I was before. Do not get in my way, in anyway. You've made the mistake once and you didn't have enough of my anger at you? I will not hold back like last time. I will not make peace with you like I did. What you mean to me is absolutely nothing. I am not lying nor exaggerating. You bring this frustration into my life that I just can't shake off. What the hell is wrong with you? What the hell made you this way? What made you so insane? I really just don't know. I tried to really just hold my tongue but, my god, you really need to hold yours and think about things before you say them. That's advice, just like this entire entry.

This emotional rollercoaster...
 
I have been angry and frustrated with you for so long. But it was only last night that I was really just upset by you. I have truly had enough of you. I do not ever want to see your face because you have caused so much pain and misery into my life. You do not deserve anything that I give you, not even my anger. I treat strangers better than you because I think they deserve it more, that's how low you have put yourself out there to me. Everyone who was there last night, will know how angry and sad and completely horrified at the things that I know are not the truth. Especially since it was three to four of them telling me on separate occasions of the things you have said. I do not ever want to see you and I truly believe it. You have not made any attempts to better yourself and I feel sorry for you.

Since you run away at every truthful encounter...
 
You never want to talk to me about it even though you claim you want to. Do not say that you want to sort things out with me especially when I have tried on two separate occasions to speak to you about it and you run away. Every knows this too, you can lie all you want. So here is the truth from me the way you like it.

• I thought maybe I could grow to somehow tolerate you. I know now that I was being delusional, it will never happen, not ever.
• He does not speak to you because you think he is jealous of you and your boyfriend, that's just you making it all up. You treated him badly, you treated me badly, you treated his best friend badly, he believes himself that you are a waste of space. Ask him yourself, after all he's been waiting for this stupid talk you so call want to speak to him about.
• Do not think that you can say that a certain two people told you that he is jealous of you. I asked them directly to their face and they said no. Yes, I will back up everything you say so don't lie.
• NO ONE IS JEALOUS OF YOU. She is not jealous of your boyfriend, no one is. Get over it now.
• I cannot speak for everyone else really, but I have had enough.
• I do not know why you have obsession with my boyfriend. Ever since the beginning. Even before you met me. I want to make it quite clear that everyone knows how much we mean to each other and that's not from us telling them. They know it because they have seen it. You cannot claim to be friends or try to be with either of us if you keep thinking and believing yourself that he has some sort of crush on you. That he is jealous and that he is just with me for no good reason. No one knows what the hell you are on. Even that first time when you claimed that he liked you because he poked you. (Please do not tell me how much you love your boyfriend, because its the oldest claim in the world.)
• There are a lot of people out there who have a lot of anger towards you. They usually direct at me because I have made it publicly known that I do not to have anything to do with you. You have lost my friendship. Rethink your ways before you lose more of the friends you think are loyal to you. You know as well as I do that why some people may seem polite to your face they have other thoughts of you behind it.

 
I want you just to learn, really learn. Because you will lose your life in your mind if you keep thinking of soap opera ways to make your life more exciting. Real life will never tolerate your delusional thoughts. One more thing before I completely and utterly wipe you out of my life: wake up to yourself, you need to not because you have a choice. You will lose a lot of wonderful and beautiful people who will protect you with all their might if you do not be honest and stop making things up to make yourself feel better. They will make you feel better when you deserve it. You really need to think about everything you have done and everything you have said.

the world can do without...

Frell people that think the world revolves around their moods.

Get it straight... woman...

It doesn't!!!

One less thing I could care less about.

delusional demands.

Every demanding need...

No matter how hard you try to demand, try to threaten or try to convince her she's just not convinced you want it all in her best interests. Don't try to use ways to try and get her to fall into your traps or the stupidity that she will just fall to her knees at your selfish commands. She knows what she wants, she knows the consequences of what she has to do and sometimes, for once, someone else can deal with the mess left behind.

This once, she doesn't want to be the one to deal with it...

The delusions of the world...

it will be right.

Hoping and wishing for everything to go right...

Why does it have to be so difficult?

Hopeful...

day one.

New Year all but an illusion...

It's amazing how many times New Year comes around and only till now did she realise that it doesn't matter how many times it comes by nothing really changes. You make your resolutions, you hope to wash out the grudges and you hope that a change in number of the year will be exactly a new start or even just a start to anything small and worthwhile. This time she's not fooled by the drunkenness, the well wishing, the hope of a wonderful new year. This year is like any year. Another challenge and once again people do not change no matter how frelling cheerful they may convince themselves to her.

The Years of New lies...

So has she become a bitter person because of years of backstabbing and stupidity of the people that she knows. No, she thinks that she has become wise and she feels the age that comes with the unwanted wise-ness. It's been an extremely long year with all the shit that comes with it. She realises that she's cried her fair share of tears, yelled her lungs dry, felt a new anger for people in the depth of her soul. It's a year where she took a week at a time, a day at a time and never planned or predicted any further than it was ever needed to.

There's a New place in every Year...

Yet despite all these negative things she's realised this year what things really do mean the world to her. She's figured out the things that bring joy in her life, the importance of the things that make her smile, the friendships that sometimes seem to be the only that brings a smile to her lips, the passion that can be bestowed on her at various moment of the long year that had come and gone by. These are the things that she knows she wants in life. Not the stupid childish behavior, or the sour moods that people inject to others, or even the highs and lows that a few numbers can bring.

In every New Year...

So there are no resolutions, because she plans to live week by week, day by day. She won't be fazed by the stupidity of people, the backstabbing of life, and the things that make her want to throw stones at. She will savor the moments of passion, the kindness of people, the jokes that make her laugh and giggle. This year...