Sunday, January 18, 2009

falling from that optimistic high.

Yesterday's wishes and unspoken promises...

She was optimistic and self-assured that it would end alright. Its a funny concept to her but somehow along the way she realised that maybe he was right, in his strange logic. She feels in control, full of action and so high on life that she doesn't really remember when she was like that last. Her usual optimistic self was there keeping her brave and keeping her smiling. Some thing she had missed in quite a long time. It never occurred to her that she might be happily content in the way she is now despite the feelings that she had before. She thought she would be worse off or even just going along with whatever life seemed to throw at her feet. The hardest thing was that she felt she was in it without much support from that one person.

Today's downfalls and falling emotions...

She was fine, she was brave, she was doing oh-so well, until all the questions became a little overwhelming. She's still a little bitter, deep deep down inside. She's still a little angry, but not so much anymore. She's a little annoyed, because things don't seem to be moving that much more forward. So is it a shock that sometimes she sounds that little bit bitter, or that tiny bit annoyed? It's much easier today to shrug it off then to explain things that no one seems to understand. Today all the realizations that she never really faced were there eyeing her, asking her the questions and just testing her patience. Some of those realizations were ones that she never really even considered until now. Today is not one of those self-assured, optimistic days.

Tomorrow's empty words and impossible predictions...

There are so many things that she wants. Her wants are different now. She wants it all to work out, no matter how hard it is, no matter what it takes, just not how long it takes. She's become a person that she would not have had a chance to be without this challenge. She hates to admit that some times this makes her content because before it she was not feeling wanted enough. Somehow she feels more important now and her contributions and her, in general, make that difference than it did before. So she wonders, if it were all to go back the way that it was, will this feeling of wanting her, loving her, appreciating her phase out? She hopes and it worries her because she doesn't want to fall into the same optimistic trap.

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