Tuesday, September 29, 2009

the thin line between wishing and wanting.

Where missing someone doesn't seem to mean enough...

There's a million things that she misses about having you so close. Some of them seem stupid, some of them quite valid and others are just bordering obsessive. She misses the way that you look at her, the way that you make plans for the two of them and calling whenever she wants to hear the sound of your voice. All those things are important to her and its hard to just deal with it all disappearing. Yet she always knew that it was going to be hard, she knew from the get go that it was never going to be perfect and that it was going to be a horrible way to communicate. But you insisted it would be fine and you promised it would work out. She believed you, maybe because she wanted to, but she's starting to feel like it's not going to be okay, and nothing is going to be fine about it.

Where wishing one thing and wanting another is a thin line...

She's at place where she knows that she can't win. She knows that what you want is important, in fact one of the most important things in your life and she would never want to stop you from doing anything that would jeopardize that. The truth is that she is supportive of you because it is the way she is and she knows how much you really want this dream of yours. She sometimes forgets the sacrifice that she has to face. But lately it seems that the sacrifices are bigger than the rewards. Some days she understands the score, its the other days that she realises that she doesn't want to do things this way and she never really wants it to be this way. She feels so selfish every time, but she's not threatening you or demanding that you choose one option or another, she just knows what she knew right from the beginning, there is nothing she can do that will mean she gets what she wants.

Waiting for that something extraordinary to happen...

The romantic hidden away in her wants the something extraordinary to show that all this and more is worth it. The truth is right now she can't see the happy ending that you keep insisting on. She needs something more solid, more tangible, to truly even be convinced that it will work out in the end. Some times it feels like she's trying so hard, but not exactly sure what for because you never tell her anything except that it will be fine. That's not enough, not if you really want this to work the way that you want it to be. She's tired of relying on hope despite the fact that it's one of the things that she lives with. For now she'll keep trying, and keep being as supportive as she can but she doesn't know how long she can continue to do it until it becomes a thin line of regret.
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