darkest convictions.

Without a word...

So she's a little quiet, and seems to be thinking amongst that pretty little brain of hers. She's just changing to make you happier, less aggravated towards her. She's trying to find the balance that seems to have lost its way into the dark pools of romance. She's just learning, understanding, reinventing herself for the sake of keeping all the things that she needs right now in her life. Whether it is the right choice or not.

Unusual silences...

There are a lot of things that she could bring up in conversation, as conversation. Lately she just doesn't want things that are a nuisance to her to become part of her already hectic life. Once, not long ago, she would of said things that plagued her mind, but with each time she tried to make it work you kicked her in the gut. She went out against her own advice so many times... this time she's not going to fail.

Convicted changes...

She's becoming a person that will not be hurt by other people, will not be fazed by other people's stupidity and will not let more than second chances destroy her. Accept her for who is trying to become otherwise give her the time of day. It doesn't mean that she'll turn a blind eye to all the things that will hurt her, in fact it's the complete opposite. Crush her heart and she will crush you right back. She will not stay where people constantly couldn't care less...

unbelievable truth.

Take a deep breath and never let it go...

The things that are said between them, no one will ever know, no one will really understand. But it's those things that some times makes her heart skip in beats that even a drug addicted doctor could not fathom. Believing them, young as she was she knew that nothing said is ever exactly how it is said. Maybe it was the romantic stardust that clouded her bright young mind but she fell ever time holding onto the trust that seemed to be unbreakable.

Believe in her truth and nothing else...

Don't say things, mean them, turn around and do something that contradicts the whole thing. There's no ranting here, that's a  promise, couldn't give the effort or the time for it. Life at the moment is saving time, make time for things that will let happiness shine. It's not the things that are said that are the issue really, it all comes down to believing what seems right. Yet the senses always lie, lie right in front of you in the most conniving way.

Take a giant step away from it all...

Don't cause trouble, don't start things, don't. This is the right way to deal with it, after so many years there's still time to learn to be a person that isn't highly overrated. Learn to believe in things when they come true not when it's something that's said in the heat of the moment. Words that mean little to some people but mean a lot to someone else.

The thousands of ways one single word can form a sentence that will mean a billion things...

------------

I didn't intend to write yet another deep entry. I guess that's where my muse is right at the moment... at least its there. Romance has left my side for the time being... it seems the inspiration is angst, growing up, finding me, me. I know that not many people will understand the past few entries, and the truth is I simply want someone to get it. Time will drift though, and so will the things that once plagued my mind. I hope it hasn't been a pain to read. I promise, whether you believe me or not, a better entry next time, more uplifting, as long as my muse lets me.

you will lose.

The games we play...

They will last for eternity if we let them. They will eat us up, degrade the mind and forever linger in our bloodstreams. So do we let it happen? Let it get the better of us, let it infect our time with useless subtle ways. We shouldn't need the drama queen lifestyle, I left it long ago with trying to find the fairytale love story and the chasing boys in play grounds. You should leave it right there too.

Losing is not a option...

I've won the most important things in my life because unlike you I know what is possible, what I can have and what it is that will have me back in the same way. Don't think your little cheats go by me silently. Think again. I know the little things that mean nothing to anyone else, they mean something to me, the exact opposite to what you want it to seem like. Get over yourself.

Cheating doesn't make a difference...

Don't fool yourself into thinking that you can get away with it. Do not mess around with me and the things that are most important to my life because you've once felt the wrath of my defense, if you didn't like it then, trust me it will be ten fold if I have to do it again. I promise with every bone in my body.

You will lose...

Don't play games with me because I will play it twice as better, twice as hard and with more skill then you will ever know. I will let this remain unnamed... for your sake not mine. You see I don't care, not anymore.

"Love, me"

fortress of tears.

The colours fade from the sky...

A fortress of tears will never hold, nor will a well if lies, produce any water. So she's understanding how she works a little better, one step at a time, one mistake every gain. It's the only way she can do it without the criticism that come with the stupidity. Some times she feels its more of a backward gain then a forward opportunity.

The secret to victory...

If there's time apart, there's always a issue. She feels faded... This time round it didn't matter because she couldn't care less anymore, no one else seems to really understand anyway. The one person that time shouldn't effect is against everything that she once thought was worth it all. Fighting doesn't work, ignoring the problem makes it worse, bringing it up causes old memories, sorting it never seems to be sorting it out, the problem gets bigger. It won't eat her up anymore. It won't effect her the way it use to. She's going to change to be victorious.

The violent path to peace...

Watch her change and don't complain. She's doing it to make things right, the only way she knows is right. This is her time, this is how she will be and if it's not going to work at least she knows that she tried, really tried. This is her violent path to peace, no wormholes, no weapons, no deaths, just her changing the things that once effected her. This is her peace.

The amazement of how it all seems to feel better...

The weight has been lifted off her heavy shoulders...

for now...

Inspired by;

Last night's disappointment and Farscape: Peacekeeper Wars.

through her thoughts.

Close her eyes...

There are few things in life that seem to faze her. Not many secrets surprise her and not many things that people say or do cause a dint in her exterior. But these are things that don't effect her, have really nothing to do with her and are not part of her private life. So when it effects her in any way,  she doesn't know how to deal with it. But she learns, slowly,  the best way to get over it.

Turn and walk away...

She doesn't need someone to explain the situation to her, she knows exactly what it is. There's no point reasoning because there is no balance in the whole thing. All she can do, all she can think of, to help everyone in the situation is to suck it in, pretend that it didn't matter to her. Otherwise it causes unnecessary disagreements. So she turns and walks away, doesn't turn back to see how it all played out. It doesn't matter to her.

Through her thoughts...

So she sits and pretends that it doesn't affect her the way its suppose to. Why bother? Why even try explaining that it causes her heart to crush? It doesn't do any good because no one can see the situation the way she sees it. No one knows the frustration, the anger and the pain she pushes deeper inside of her. Even if they new would they even understand. She doubts it... so it doesn't matter to her...

If it is the way you are...

How can anything change if that's how you are? Why bother changing you if that's who she thought you were? It's all too complicated, she hasn't even really sorted it out in her head. All she knows is that she feels like its wrong, like its too far, too much for her to handle. If that's how you are when she's around... what's it really like when she's not around? Despite all the reassurances you may give her... the thought still haunts her...

Write it down and let it drift away...