Beyond Hope.

She's numb with all the grey truths and lies...

Even as she begins to write this she's not really sure what she is about to write. For once in her life she has no idea what to do to make herself feel better. There are no quick fixes and that frustrates her. Its hard for her to take such truth. Whatever that she does she's not sure how to make it better, how to make it work. But more importantly, how to make it disappear. She's not emotionally made for such situations, she's not ready to make life changing decisions, she's not ready to give up something that was the only thing keeping her together at the worst of times. There's the contradiction, the problem is the one thing that usually keeps her together. So where does she go to now?

She's trying to put all her emotions in check...

No matter what decision she makes there's no happy ending. That's all she really wants... a happy ending... (why is it so hard?) It seems to her that its a lose-lose choice. So does that mean that she has to sacrifice some thing, any thing... Some thing important. Is it worth sacrificing over? She doesn't want to make an irrational choice, a deceiving quick fix or make all the mistakes that she made the last time. She doesn't want it to end the way it did last time. Hoping that it would just go away, the desire just fade away into the wind. Because quite obviously, it hasn't. The regret lies there strong and unwavering and she knows that it won't just go away. She won't be naive about it anymore.

She's confused on how to make it work...

1. She can leave, with a heavy heart, let your life be what ever that you want to make of it. She will become a distant memory, hopefully a good one. She will not even acknowledge the possible friendship that can be formed. A clean break, no attachments. She knows that deep down in her heart that she will never trust another person in case that it falls like this. She knows that there will be no one to hold her when she falls, and that kills her heart more than anything else. Fate may play a part, if it's meant to be then maybe, eventually, it will be. (Maybe they can be just like Aeryn and John.) She's hopeless romantic.

2. She can be your friend. Have conversations with you. A relationship without the kisses, the hugs, the sex. She can be your perfect best friend. But can she handle all the others. Can she handle the embarrassment that she will have to suffer. The foolishness of her choice. She can do it but she knows that its not the way she wants it, its not the way its suppose to be, its not suppose to be anything. She cannot keep her emotions like that, on the line but not saying anything. She feels like she is waiting for you to get over this phase in your life. She will not wait for anybody.

3. She just learns to live with it. Learn to live with your regrets for the rest of her life. Be with you, knowing full well that you aren't 100% ready to be with her. This annoys her, makes her so confused. Because of you, she has let everything go to let you in. She gave up all the things that she held onto so tightly in case of rejection. This certainly feels like rejection to her. She can pretend that it never happened, it was never an issue, live life like a goddamn fool. She can feel that for the rest of the life that she spends with you that she will owe you countlessly. She does not want to feel like she was the only choice you had.

She knows the reassurances that don't count...

So she's just going to find a way because its clear that you don't really want to discuss all the things that worry her. She does not want to make some thing out of nothing and quite clearly this not one of those. She thought not long ago that she was falling in love with you. Now she knows that she cannot be. That's the sad truth.

She feels like leaving it all up to fate...

Beyond Hope...