dramatically overrated forevers.

Being optimistic means next to nothing...

There are hours when it all means very little, in fact it seems to slip on by without even being a simple thought. But it's the moments where she realises the most important certainty in her life seems to be turning to dust right in front of her. It's those minutes that she realises how much she wants to throw her selfish tantrum and to scream and yell until there is nothing left inside of her. Yet every time she sits and reflects how foolish she has been to fall into her own dark romantic traps she can't seem to find any energy. She's over the crying, she's over the thinking out loud, she over the talking about it, it simply just eats away at her because she doesn't know what else to do with it. It just feels like there's terribly more bad than there is the good.

Smiles washed away with the old useless tears...

There are times where its alright and things are the way it is without a second thought. Yet lately it looms over and reminds her how little she has left and how much its all going to hurt. So she reminds herself that she must not fall into the trap of believing so whole heartily, of dreaming of those silly romantic dreams, or wanting to swoon at the sweet words of promises. The barriers of safety she so nervously put down now seems to be the one thing that has let her down. She will not make that mistake this time, especially when it seems she can not do anything else. She feels useless.

Romance that swept right by without a care...

Despite all the sadness, all the anger and frustration, its all been for nothing because it won't be long before she realises that no matter what she wants she's just not going to be any better than she is now.

Just really tired of it all...

so it is.

Remembering to breathe for something better...

There's nothing that anyone can do. There's nothing that she can do within her power, no matter how hard she has tried. It seems that she is left to deal with a mess that isn't even suppose to be hers in the first place. She feels so drained and tormented by it that she's ready to drop from exhaustion because there seems to be no happy ending for her. She's foolish to think that there was ever going to be one.

Forgetting all the words that should of meant something...

All the moments that mean everything seem non-existent now. They just become this increasingly faded memory. She has all the reasons, it makes her more angry that she understands all of them too. She fights for them onto herself and she left with no one to fight for her reasons. She wants someone to fight for her reason, to give her a reason that feeling this way is acceptable. But maybe that's asking too much.

Tormenting the emotions that should be something...

Trying to forget is so hard, trying to make things better is not working and being the best that she can does not make it all go away. She wants someone here and now for her. She wants to be selfish for once, and yet she knows this is not the time for it. She wants him to understand that making him happy, is going to cost her, with no guilt attached. She just wants him to understand where she is because no one else knows.

Punishing something that does not deserve it...

Once again passion, desire and most unfaithfully love has deserted all it's loyalties to her. This time she doesn't know where to find it again because the one place that forever had those qualities doesn't seem to want to understand her in the way its suppose to be. There's no where to go.

-------------------

You have no idea...
How much I needed you in this moment...
And you weren't there...
To understand any of it...

from the first stolen glance...

She misses romance.

Not the one that sweeps her off her feet, not the one that causes her to breathe harder, or the one that pulls her in so passionately and holds her there. She wants the one where a look can make her smile, the conversations that are just an excuse to be near her and the soft stolen touches that make her skin tingle with flattery.

She misses the romance that starts the passion.

nowhere without you.

Where do you go when you don't want to be anywhere...

I am:

• confused about why things are the way they are
• angry at myself for behaving like an idiot
• disappointed that I make you angry so much
• tired of over thinking about why things just plain outright suck
• wondering if maybe I've gone too far with too much
• wishing you will continue to fight for me no matter how bad it gets
• trying to be understanding
• never going to cry again
• ignoring all the arguments that I seem to cause
• realising keeping things to myself may work out better
• wanting to run away because its so much easier
• selfish too often without reason
• regretting some of the things that I said because of the way things have turned out
• upset with us
• stubborn and it has cost me much and will eventually cost me everything
• screwed up in the head like you said
• the one that will most likely to stuff up
• trying to be positive but maybe I'm not trying hard enough
• promise to make being with me worth your while
• nothing without your love

 

Yet, it doesn't seem to make anything better...

more than just everything.

Wanting to be everything and so much more...

Is it hard to believe that all she wants is to be your everything. Your heart, your soul, your one and only. She wants to cater for all the things that you want, that you need, that you only believed were true in you dreams. She's delusional to think that. To believe she could be that, to think that she could ever come even the slightest bit closer to being everything. She's also realised that she has the toughest job of all, pleasing everything that you have ever wanted. She thought she had it all under control.

Protecting what was left and what has gone...

The silly little ideas that weren't meant to be anything seem to be the one thing that she knew would be something. Ignoring it didn't seem to work but then again confronting it did not really help the situation either. She's disappointed in herself and she's far beyond angry. She is threatened, and for some reason, deep down, she doesn't know whether she has the fight left inside of her. She's scared to find out just how little fight she has left. If she is not enough in every aspect to fulfill it all, is it worth all this angst.

Trying to understand all the reasons in between...

Every ounce of what was left of positive attitude seems not to make a difference and it should. She wants to be reassured, she wants to be told that she is almost everything, that she is worth everything at the least. She needs to be constantly told because every time she finally thinks of the future, the possible future that seems so close, reality has a way of telling her that she's falling into her own trap. Will all the regrets end up being the cause of failure or will it be her own undoing for believing too whole heartedly. The sad truth is she can never entirely seem to let herself go.