Amazed by You.

Closed off dreams...

It was all so positive and the forever questions of if it will happen seemed almost so close to be true. But was it all false hope? Had they both been so blind sighted by this experience which has spanned longer than their relationship? Had they both been so naive to think that finally the persistent need to accomplish this dream would finally be worth it all? What happened between the positive words of encouragement, the knots in their stomachs, to the end where the answer was not the one that you wanted to hear?

Invested core emotions...

She can feel herself being tangled up into the emotional states of your aspirations. She can not only hear and see your reactions, she also feels them deep in her heart. So when you were at a point where you could go no further, she could sense herself so much more invested than what she had anticipated. She not only wanted to know, she wanted so badly to see you get what you have fought for in all these years.

Opening the chances...

When the answers are all given and all the options were weighed and then destroyed in one single step, she panicked. She can feel herself being scared and worried about what was to come. Yet she knows that it really
isn't about her at all and that her emotions mean nothing compared to the ones that you are facing. She is proud of you and she realises now that she has never really said that before, so she wants you to know right now and not ever doubt it. She could never have done all the things that you have for all those everlasting dreams. So when you did not show despair or worry and just moved onto the next plan, she could not have been more amazed by you.

Here we are waiting to start again, and this time round it has to right...

Formidable Dreams & Sweet Realities.

 

Hold her hand....

You take her hand, and she willingly accepts this without question. You hold her hand tight and take her to a place that she isn't quite all there yet in the physical form. Don't get her wrong, she loves hearing about those dreams, especially the ones that are so so close. Don't hold a grudge against her, she's a lot more forward in her thinking than she was only a few weeks ago. Its all still so surreal and some times when she sits down with you in the same room, she can almost touch those formidable dreams.

Tell her dreams...

You tell her that this will happen and she smiles and nods without a second thought. You make her dream in a totally different state of mind where she can't seem blend into reality. It doesn't mean that you should stop dreaming, she loves the way that your mind works. It doesn't mean that she can't see the togetherness that you describe, she just needs to understand in it her own little mind. Its an enchanting thought and some times when she closes her eyes right next you, she can breathe in those sweet realities.

all the words without a thought.

 

I like the way that we are just now. This moment in time. In the seven years since you first kissed me, this is the place that I like us to be. I know that not everything is perfect, not everything is great, but emotionally, this is where I want us to stay. I know that things will change, I know that situations will not be the same but if everything changes around us and we stay like this emotionally, then I believe, whole heartily that we could live like this forever. And really that's what I aim for.

I know that no one really cares or even really wants to know. But this is for me, and I've been good at doing things for me for a while now, so I'm not going to stop. I'm enjoying all the things that I am doing for myself and not for anyone else, and you know what? The stress is gone, the worry is gone, I like all this freedom that it has given me. I feel like that no matter what happens, I can look after myself, first and foremost. After seven years in a relationship, this is the way that I want to do things.

I've stopped fighting over the little things because the bigger picture is more important. I've stopped caring about the time apart because its time that I can do the things that I enjoy without the worry of making sure everyone enjoys it too. I've stopped worrying about all the stupid things that are said and done because after all they are just plain stupid and mean very little. But the time that we find for each other is much more precious, much more wonderful, and much much sweeter. That's the way that I want to live, like every moment is the cherry on top.

-------------

I felt like writing like this today...

Nothing thought out, just typed out...

Needed to clear my pretty little head.

about you.

Expressing...

It seems that trying to find the words to describe what she wants to say is becoming more difficult than she thought. In her heart she knows what she wants but somehow none of the words seem to do justice. She's tried to write this so many times, its been almost a week in the making, yet no matter what she wants to write it never comes out right. She wants to say so much, describe this feeling and to remember it, but there isn't anything that fits what she wants to express about you.

Moments...

Lately you have been so amazing to her. It's not a new feeling, but its been much grander, more appreciated and much much more lovely. She's not sure how its happened or why its been such a sudden thing but she definitely does not want to spoil it in anyway. She would not trade anything for these moments, nor would she like to see them disappear. She wants them to last forever because that's the way she thinks about you.

Evolving...

She thinks that maybe she has changed a little and that you have too. She would like to believe that she is less dependent and doesn't need as much as your constant time like she did in the past. But when she is with you, the moment is savoured and it is so much sweeter. She would like to believe that she is more forgiving and less angry. After all these years she knows who you are and she would not want you any other way. She knows that all these things are true because she is insane about you.

plain awesome...

 

And sometimes you can just be plain awesome...

without you.

Leap far...

When she told you that she wanted to run away, she never thought you would find great heights to jump from. Some days she would take the risk and jump as far and from as high as you wanted her to so that she could just be with you no matter where she landed. Yet, those days seem far from her because your mind keeps changing so constantly. She could never jump high enough or leap far enough to satisfy your ever growing list of changes.

Great heights...

Stop asking those awkward questions that she will never have the answers to. Those 'what ifs' and 'maybes' mean nothing unless they are actually planned out and full in force. She cannot say what you want to hear in hopes that you will just stop asking those questions, because she knows that it would be wrong, no matter how much your blue eyes plead.

Emotional traps...

She knows that you'll trap her. If you haven't already. She knows the lengths that she has to go to be with you in a life that you will be happy with. Her happiness is the simplest of ones, as long as she's with you, and that's where you have her bound to you. Give her a chance to live life and not worry constantly about the future that you so desperately have missed out on. She understands the sacrifices, she understands your sacrifices and she knows that this is your way of loving life.

"I don't want to do it without you..."

That's all it takes to trap her in...

the thin line between wishing and wanting.

Where missing someone doesn't seem to mean enough...

There's a million things that she misses about having you so close. Some of them seem stupid, some of them quite valid and others are just bordering obsessive. She misses the way that you look at her, the way that you make plans for the two of them and calling whenever she wants to hear the sound of your voice. All those things are important to her and its hard to just deal with it all disappearing. Yet she always knew that it was going to be hard, she knew from the get go that it was never going to be perfect and that it was going to be a horrible way to communicate. But you insisted it would be fine and you promised it would work out. She believed you, maybe because she wanted to, but she's starting to feel like it's not going to be okay, and nothing is going to be fine about it.

Where wishing one thing and wanting another is a thin line...

She's at place where she knows that she can't win. She knows that what you want is important, in fact one of the most important things in your life and she would never want to stop you from doing anything that would jeopardize that. The truth is that she is supportive of you because it is the way she is and she knows how much you really want this dream of yours. She sometimes forgets the sacrifice that she has to face. But lately it seems that the sacrifices are bigger than the rewards. Some days she understands the score, its the other days that she realises that she doesn't want to do things this way and she never really wants it to be this way. She feels so selfish every time, but she's not threatening you or demanding that you choose one option or another, she just knows what she knew right from the beginning, there is nothing she can do that will mean she gets what she wants.

Waiting for that something extraordinary to happen...

The romantic hidden away in her wants the something extraordinary to show that all this and more is worth it. The truth is right now she can't see the happy ending that you keep insisting on. She needs something more solid, more tangible, to truly even be convinced that it will work out in the end. Some times it feels like she's trying so hard, but not exactly sure what for because you never tell her anything except that it will be fine. That's not enough, not if you really want this to work the way that you want it to be. She's tired of relying on hope despite the fact that it's one of the things that she lives with. For now she'll keep trying, and keep being as supportive as she can but she doesn't know how long she can continue to do it until it becomes a thin line of regret.