Oh So.

It starts with a nudge nudge, a tickle on the lips and a light touch in that, oh so, soft spot. There's a giggle of delight and a smile in the dark. The search for all the right places followed by the quest to find those that will cause a new growl of heightened emotion. It begins so timidly, as if each touch is new but there's a certainty that lies within each gesture. There's no boundaries here and definitely nothing that requires an explanation.

The nudging becomes an unconscious grab, the kisses are deep and fierce and the new-found spot becomes a point of control. Hands are tangled into hands trying to hold and trying to touch. Hair is twisted into all directions between those fingers of need. There are limbs entwined with sheets of passion and that, oh so, hot heat. Each emotion is relative through each action and each unmistakable reaction. There are no queries of what happens next and every move is meant to satisfy without caution.

This fire that begins so slowly and continues so fiercely has always driven the new heights of those, oh so, deep desires. It grabs and takes whatever it can into a place where the air is thinner, words are lost and everything becomes primitive. Yet when all those mysteries are revealed one at a time, there are always more and always leaves enticements for more. There are no old moves and there is nothing that requires foreknowledge.

It ends with a calm caress, a full kiss on, oh so, red lips and a sigh of a smile. There's a laugh of satisfaction and an exhausted embrace in the dark. Those heighten emotions are brought down and the roar has been tamed. There is always a surprise, whether it be calculated or spontaneous and whether it be insignificant or grand.  There's no love lost here but there is definitely more that is to be gained in every way.

Amazed by You.

Closed off dreams...

It was all so positive and the forever questions of if it will happen seemed almost so close to be true. But was it all false hope? Had they both been so blind sighted by this experience which has spanned longer than their relationship? Had they both been so naive to think that finally the persistent need to accomplish this dream would finally be worth it all? What happened between the positive words of encouragement, the knots in their stomachs, to the end where the answer was not the one that you wanted to hear?

Invested core emotions...

She can feel herself being tangled up into the emotional states of your aspirations. She can not only hear and see your reactions, she also feels them deep in her heart. So when you were at a point where you could go no further, she could sense herself so much more invested than what she had anticipated. She not only wanted to know, she wanted so badly to see you get what you have fought for in all these years.

Opening the chances...

When the answers are all given and all the options were weighed and then destroyed in one single step, she panicked. She can feel herself being scared and worried about what was to come. Yet she knows that it really
isn't about her at all and that her emotions mean nothing compared to the ones that you are facing. She is proud of you and she realises now that she has never really said that before, so she wants you to know right now and not ever doubt it. She could never have done all the things that you have for all those everlasting dreams. So when you did not show despair or worry and just moved onto the next plan, she could not have been more amazed by you.

Here we are waiting to start again, and this time round it has to right...

The Emotion of Absence.

I dream about you when I don't really want to be reminded of you. 

My subconsciousness is against me no matter how much I may try and fight it. 

I'm not sure what its trying to tell me because I'm trying hard to ignore that nagging need and that unfulfilled emotion of absence. 

My own mind has struck a treaty with you and made an enemy of I.

Stop haunting me in my dreams no matter whether it means well or just as another way of annoying me. 

Even though the annoying reminds me that you are near. 

all the words without a thought.

 

I like the way that we are just now. This moment in time. In the seven years since you first kissed me, this is the place that I like us to be. I know that not everything is perfect, not everything is great, but emotionally, this is where I want us to stay. I know that things will change, I know that situations will not be the same but if everything changes around us and we stay like this emotionally, then I believe, whole heartily that we could live like this forever. And really that's what I aim for.

I know that no one really cares or even really wants to know. But this is for me, and I've been good at doing things for me for a while now, so I'm not going to stop. I'm enjoying all the things that I am doing for myself and not for anyone else, and you know what? The stress is gone, the worry is gone, I like all this freedom that it has given me. I feel like that no matter what happens, I can look after myself, first and foremost. After seven years in a relationship, this is the way that I want to do things.

I've stopped fighting over the little things because the bigger picture is more important. I've stopped caring about the time apart because its time that I can do the things that I enjoy without the worry of making sure everyone enjoys it too. I've stopped worrying about all the stupid things that are said and done because after all they are just plain stupid and mean very little. But the time that we find for each other is much more precious, much more wonderful, and much much sweeter. That's the way that I want to live, like every moment is the cherry on top.

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I felt like writing like this today...

Nothing thought out, just typed out...

Needed to clear my pretty little head.

about you.

Expressing...

It seems that trying to find the words to describe what she wants to say is becoming more difficult than she thought. In her heart she knows what she wants but somehow none of the words seem to do justice. She's tried to write this so many times, its been almost a week in the making, yet no matter what she wants to write it never comes out right. She wants to say so much, describe this feeling and to remember it, but there isn't anything that fits what she wants to express about you.

Moments...

Lately you have been so amazing to her. It's not a new feeling, but its been much grander, more appreciated and much much more lovely. She's not sure how its happened or why its been such a sudden thing but she definitely does not want to spoil it in anyway. She would not trade anything for these moments, nor would she like to see them disappear. She wants them to last forever because that's the way she thinks about you.

Evolving...

She thinks that maybe she has changed a little and that you have too. She would like to believe that she is less dependent and doesn't need as much as your constant time like she did in the past. But when she is with you, the moment is savoured and it is so much sweeter. She would like to believe that she is more forgiving and less angry. After all these years she knows who you are and she would not want you any other way. She knows that all these things are true because she is insane about you.

for all of these reasons.

I am more independent than I anticipated…
I am becoming more truthful which has its upsides and downsides…
I am making university more a part of my life then my feeble attempt in the past…
I am ready to move on because it’s about time…
I am understanding myself in a more mature manner…
I am ready to grow up, but not too fast…
I am loving with an open heart because of him…
I am not wild, crazy or delirious nor do I really want to be…
I am honest and stable…
I am still as stubborn as ever but I don’t regret it…
I am grateful for my best friends and I want them to know…
I am appreciating design in a new light…
I am ready for his dreams because soon it will be mine as well…
I am glad that I have found that special someone now instead of hoping and dreaming about him…
I am more aware of my likes and dislikes instead of the grey areas…
I am enjoying having time to myself and will continue to make time for me…
I am more certain of myself and the decisions that I make in the future…
I am determined to stop the silly games that I play on myself and others…
I am not fooled by hopeless plans and unrealistic dreams…
I am thinking and doing things for the present and this will not change…
I am more aware of those who are my friends and not those who are friends of friends.
I am not going to succumb to my own emotional foolishness…
I am a risk taker, as long as it’s calculated…
I am his as much as he is mine, without doubt and without worry, after all these years…
I am liking myself more for all of these reasons...

falling from that optimistic high.

Yesterday's wishes and unspoken promises...


She was optimistic and self-assured that it would end alright. Its a funny concept to her but somehow along the way she realised that maybe he was right, in his strange logic. She feels in control, full of action and so high on life that she doesn't really remember when she was like that last. Her usual optimistic self was there keeping her brave and keeping her smiling. Some thing she had missed in quite a long time. It never occurred to her that she might be happily content in the way she is now despite the feelings that she had before. She thought she would be worse off or even just going along with whatever life seemed to throw at her feet. The hardest thing was that she felt she was in it without much support from that one person.


Today's downfalls and falling emotions...


She was fine, she was brave, she was doing oh-so well, until all the questions became a little overwhelming. She's still a little bitter, deep deep down inside. She's still a little angry, but not so much anymore. She's a little annoyed, because things don't seem to be moving that much more forward. So is it a shock that sometimes she sounds that little bit bitter, or that tiny bit annoyed? It's much easier today to shrug it off then to explain things that no one seems to understand. Today all the realizations that she never really faced were there eyeing her, asking her the questions and just testing her patience. Some of those realizations were ones that she never really even considered until now. Today is not one of those self-assured, optimistic days.


Tomorrow's empty words and impossible predictions...


There are so many things that she wants. Her wants are different now. She wants it all to work out, no matter how hard it is, no matter what it takes, just not how long it takes. She's become a person that she would not have had a chance to be without this challenge. She hates to admit that some times this makes her content because before it she was not feeling wanted enough. Somehow she feels more important now and her contributions and her, in general, make that difference than it did before. So she wonders, if it were all to go back the way that it was, will this feeling of wanting her, loving her, appreciating her phase out? She hopes and it worries her because she doesn't want to fall into the same optimistic trap.

hoping for one last time.

Some things are not suppose to be repeated...

Others linger in the air waiting for the right moment...

There are times that the words spoken cannot always be heard the right way...

It is inevitable to let the words pass without any emotion stirring...

Letting it just slide, slip, and disintegrate into the air between seems easy...

Yet she knows she is fooling herself deep inside...

She waits for the day when it finally becomes reality despite everything...

Even as she hopes that it may never come...

It will be the last time she holds hope for anything...

One last time...

so it is.

Remembering to breathe for something better...

There's nothing that anyone can do. There's nothing that she can do within her power, no matter how hard she has tried. It seems that she is left to deal with a mess that isn't even suppose to be hers in the first place. She feels so drained and tormented by it that she's ready to drop from exhaustion because there seems to be no happy ending for her. She's foolish to think that there was ever going to be one.

Forgetting all the words that should of meant something...

All the moments that mean everything seem non-existent now. They just become this increasingly faded memory. She has all the reasons, it makes her more angry that she understands all of them too. She fights for them onto herself and she left with no one to fight for her reasons. She wants someone to fight for her reason, to give her a reason that feeling this way is acceptable. But maybe that's asking too much.

Tormenting the emotions that should be something...

Trying to forget is so hard, trying to make things better is not working and being the best that she can does not make it all go away. She wants someone here and now for her. She wants to be selfish for once, and yet she knows this is not the time for it. She wants him to understand that making him happy, is going to cost her, with no guilt attached. She just wants him to understand where she is because no one else knows.

Punishing something that does not deserve it...

Once again passion, desire and most unfaithfully love has deserted all it's loyalties to her. This time she doesn't know where to find it again because the one place that forever had those qualities doesn't seem to want to understand her in the way its suppose to be. There's no where to go.

-------------------

You have no idea...
How much I needed you in this moment...
And you weren't there...
To understand any of it...