more than just everything.

Wanting to be everything and so much more...

Is it hard to believe that all she wants is to be your everything. Your heart, your soul, your one and only. She wants to cater for all the things that you want, that you need, that you only believed were true in you dreams. She's delusional to think that. To believe she could be that, to think that she could ever come even the slightest bit closer to being everything. She's also realised that she has the toughest job of all, pleasing everything that you have ever wanted. She thought she had it all under control.

Protecting what was left and what has gone...

The silly little ideas that weren't meant to be anything seem to be the one thing that she knew would be something. Ignoring it didn't seem to work but then again confronting it did not really help the situation either. She's disappointed in herself and she's far beyond angry. She is threatened, and for some reason, deep down, she doesn't know whether she has the fight left inside of her. She's scared to find out just how little fight she has left. If she is not enough in every aspect to fulfill it all, is it worth all this angst.

Trying to understand all the reasons in between...

Every ounce of what was left of positive attitude seems not to make a difference and it should. She wants to be reassured, she wants to be told that she is almost everything, that she is worth everything at the least. She needs to be constantly told because every time she finally thinks of the future, the possible future that seems so close, reality has a way of telling her that she's falling into her own trap. Will all the regrets end up being the cause of failure or will it be her own undoing for believing too whole heartedly. The sad truth is she can never entirely seem to let herself go.

growing up in my eyes.

For all the reasons I cannot explain it will never be the way you want it to be...

Years of build up anger, frustrations, and regret after regret will not be erased by simply having a heartfelt conversation with you. You will never understand all the things that I have had to go through or had to endure to be here where I am today. I will not change who I am for you because you have finally realised that its time to speak out, time to be there for me, time to be a loving guidance in my life. The time for that was years ago. You stuffed up and I turned out okay, so I don't need you in the way you think I do. I don't care for your help because I have not needed it for years.

Its too late despite the fact that I will never grow up in your eyes....

I have done things that I do not and will not regret in my life. I did all those things for me, for what I believe in and for what I wanted in my life. I would not change it even though it would have made my life so much easier. It has made my life the way it is and made the me the way I am. It doesn't make me perfect and I know I am flawed but it is me and I found my strength to make what I am today. You do not get to take the credit for that.

There will always be that rift because you never understood me the way you should have...

I will continue to lie, to cheat and to deceive. I have no guilt towards you anymore because I flushed that out of my system long ago. You flushed it out of my system long ago. I will not stand by and be punished or have my self esteem squashed so far down that I do not even understand my existence. You never had the right to do that to me and yet you did. I have become a stronger person and I am not afraid of the things I use to be. You do not scare me. You do not run my life. You never did. There will be no change from me. There never will be.

It takes more than a talk.

It takes more than promises and apologies.

It's too late for me.

You will just have to deal with it.

above all expectations.

Its like wondering what lies under the wrapping paper and pretty big bow...

There are times when I wonder what you think about me. Whether its all truth or made up lies. If its all the positives and none of negative. Or the possible regrets and the rightful choices. I just want to know what you think about me. All the good and all the bad. I want be told of the things that you see about me, that you want about me, that you dislike about me. But the most important thing is that I want to know why you like me in the way that you do, with all your heart on the line almost constantly for me.

Through all the balloons and streamers that fill the room...

The truth about you is that you are more than I had ever expected. The things that you say, the things that you do and all the things in between seem like actions from someone that is unlike you. But yet, the strange thing is I don't think you could be any other way. I wouldn't want you any other way either. Its the way you look for my hand, or how you stick your tongue at me, that would not be the same from anyone but you.

Surprises that make the heart jump with joy...

It catches my breath the way that you view me. The way that I can't seem to view myself. Its the thing beyond that that really makes my heart fall for you. You mean it in everyway, the way you say it, the way you respond to it and in the way you don't fault in anyway. You mean it more than I had ever expected it to. I'm glad I intrigue the way you do the same for me. Don't ever stop surprising me, don't ever say the things you don't mean but always always be mine.

somewhere somehow.

In the realities that escape from her...

Hold me down.. knock me down... drown the thoughts... and destroy all those frowns.

Run away with me... somewhere with sand... somewhere with bottomless alcohol... somewhere I can just run away without a bother.

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re-adjusting what's left.

Where the dreams are suppose to come true...

It didn't take long for it all to fall apart. The time management, the assessments and the need to stay on top of everything. It just crumbled in less that three weeks. How did it fall so fast and so hard even before I saw it happening this time. It doesn't matter. All I know is that I have to try again to be on top, to work harder, to manage myself better. After-all I want those High Distinctions.

Where the friendships come and go...

It's hard to keep in check what everyone’s differences are. What to say to who and what not to say to others. Sometimes you just know that it would never happen, and some times its for the best. But when you try so hard to make things work why do some things that just disintegrate in your hands so easily. At least there is love in the places that I know will understand. I have the friends, that mean enough to me.

Where working together is just as important...

Some times it takes a little bit more than just patience to deal with the problems that you knew where always there. But some times it takes others just that little bit longer to see the truth with their eyes. And trust me, if you be cruel, it will show. I will be fair but it will be with everyone, not just what you demand. I am fair, no matter what you think.

Where there is never enough time for you...

I miss those times that we spent all to ourselves. Where did they go and how come I can't get them back. I miss that one hour of just you and I. It never seems enough.