disappearing each mysterious glimmer.

Decaying of a glimmer of hope...

There are a lot of things that never really worry her. Most of the time its due to the fact that there is always a glimmer of hope that gets her by. Her confidence in being able to make things go well also contributes. But what happens when she is faced with the fact that she can no longer see that glimmer of hope or have the confidence to sort out all the problems from the solutions. She's at a point in her life where she didn't really think she would have to be. Whilst she has always prided herself on it, for some reason, this is not the same, this is something entirely different. That in itself makes it so much more difficult to even comprehend. So far she hasn't been able to understand what it is that makes her feel so bland, and what it is that use to make her feel so much more excited about the things in her life. Some times, she wonders, if she has tried just too hard.

Disappearance of each desire...

At this point in time maybe it is her own personal problem and that the only person to blame is herself. That something in her life isn't working out the way that she wants it to be or the way she wants to feel. The feeling, the emotion and the want of it all seems to have changed without much warning. Yet as she thinks about it all, she still wants the same things, she still desires the same things and she still wants the passion that can be bestowed on her, so no, she has not changed so much that none of these core important things in her life is so different from what it is she wants now. So maybe, it isn't just her problem at all. But she's just not that ready to start blaming it on others just yet because she knows if she does that it's not just a feeling anymore, its reality.

Death of each new mystery...

The bottom line is that she misses things that she didn't even think that she would see  just slowly disappear into nothing. Yet at the same time she feels like its been a long time coming because nothing ever lasts as long as she expects them too. It's not like she doesn't say the things that she wants, or expresses her opinions on what she likes or makes a mystery out of it. So why is it so hard, why does it have to be so hard when it is simplified, repeated and argued about over and over again. She doesn't want comfortable or boring, she wants spontaneity and passion. Not a new concept from her at all. The lack of actions, the more of silenced words and the non-existent attempts are a list longer that she ever wished for herself. So how much longer will it take before she decides that some things just aren't meant to be simply comfortable and habitual and nothing else.

sprinkle a little surprise this way.

Honestly, just not that interested...

Lately she's being more selective and more in sync with the people that are important to her. Maybe it's taken her this long but at least now she understands the important things a little better than she did before. She's able to filter out the things that were never really that worthwhile to keep and remember to hold on a little tighter to the things that make her less worried and less stressed about life in general. She's learned some lessons that weren't fun to learn, but in the end it seems that really mattered come out alright in the end and all that didn't just got thrown away. And she doesn't regret it one single bit.

Seriously, where has all the fun gone...

Keeping the interesting factor is becoming a little more difficult each time. She's done all the spontaneous things and all the surprises. Soon enough she's either going to run out of ideas, or she's not going to bother anymore. So maybe, somewhere down the track sprinkling a little surprise this way would be quite nice and would be just something that she didn't have to plan. She's getting a little bored and a little frustrated. Those two things are never good for her because sooner or later she's going to chuck a useless little tantrum for no particular reason without any remorse. Honestly, anything will do.

exception to the rule.

Being the hopeless romantic...

She's too much of a hopeless romantic, and she's a bad one too. She's not too sure how she turned out like that, all lovey dovey and spontaneous is all things love. But she loves it for the thrill and for that warm feeling inside. And truthfully probably for that modern day happily ever after too. Being in this state of mind for her is not always easy. There are too many things that can easily cause her to be disappointed and frustrated, the lack of trying or even just the lack of gestures. She can't seem to help herself into it because being that hopeless romantic only means that you always hope for the best, whether or not it will ever change.

Being the exception and not the rule...

There's always those stories that end without much reality. She wants to be selfish and wants to be one of those. But she's not fooled into thinking that it will present itself without much warning and do as her dreams tell her to do. She doesn't want to fall into old traps and unmistakable lies. She doesn't want to be the old traditions of a significant other or just that girl. She wants him to make her feel like the reality can be unbelievable. And that it is unbelievable, not because of big grand gestures or huge romantic offerings, but because he makes her his exception to every other girl. She simply wants to be his exception and not his rule.

for the words that don't always fit.

The reasons that may not seem obvious to you...
 

She's tired of some of the childishness that goes on. The over bearing sick, sad, sweet proclamations that no one really needs to know or that don't really put any justice on anything at all. If it needs such proof then really are you just convincing yourself than it actually being realistic. Some things she doesn't agree on but it doesn't really get to her, its the really stupid teenage crap that gets on her nerves. She's too old to be playing games, too mature to care what goes on behind your closed doors and just plain and simply not interested. Proof is not in words that one may write but in the actions that cannot be explained because how extraordinary the actions are to yourself and only you.

The things you pretend to care about...

If its all about caring about what others want and what others feel then stop contradicting yourself and take one hard look at what you doing. Don't say that you are trying to do this and that when only in the end all your actions turn round and do not even justify what's coming out of your mouth. She's been here longer, she's been through a lot more, and this is no different than before and therefore it makes you no different from all those that were in the same spot in the past. Wonder why those who are unhappy about it all are unhappy. Maybe its the unhappiness of certain situations and the loss of a strong friendship.So before you say things and assume you know why, think again.

The parts of that will not be her problem...
 

In the end its not really her problem, she's just sad and upset that one of the things that were most important to someone she wants to protect is compromised. She knows that deep down inside that it would not be discussed because its not in their nature and eventually it will just fade away into nothing, and that's what makes it worse. She doesn't care about the things you think she cares about, in fact she's seen a lot of these things come and go and she knows that the real test is later on down the track, because every year it becomes more challenging and not everyone makes it, something not even the strongest of people can get past. So choose your words wisely about the people that care for who you care about because you may be destroying things that are important in someone else's life deliberately. She doesn't care about the overall picture and if that makes her less of a friend than so be it, but she does care about some of the friendships you can categorie however you think you wish. Every friendship has a mark of its own, its not up to you to choose which one deserves which mark.

for all of these reasons.

I am more independent than I anticipated…
I am becoming more truthful which has its upsides and downsides…
I am making university more a part of my life then my feeble attempt in the past…
I am ready to move on because it’s about time…
I am understanding myself in a more mature manner…
I am ready to grow up, but not too fast…
I am loving with an open heart because of him…
I am not wild, crazy or delirious nor do I really want to be…
I am honest and stable…
I am still as stubborn as ever but I don’t regret it…
I am grateful for my best friends and I want them to know…
I am appreciating design in a new light…
I am ready for his dreams because soon it will be mine as well…
I am glad that I have found that special someone now instead of hoping and dreaming about him…
I am more aware of my likes and dislikes instead of the grey areas…
I am enjoying having time to myself and will continue to make time for me…
I am more certain of myself and the decisions that I make in the future…
I am determined to stop the silly games that I play on myself and others…
I am not fooled by hopeless plans and unrealistic dreams…
I am thinking and doing things for the present and this will not change…
I am more aware of those who are my friends and not those who are friends of friends.
I am not going to succumb to my own emotional foolishness…
I am a risk taker, as long as it’s calculated…
I am his as much as he is mine, without doubt and without worry, after all these years…
I am liking myself more for all of these reasons...